Goodbye 2008

I was good for awhile.
But, I can say that about quite
a few things in my life.

I often sit at the keyboard with nothing
to say.
My plan was is to keep myself a little diary.
My problem is that I don't know
what I want to say to myself.
Maybe I don't want to hear it??

I'm spending way too much time
thinking,
stewing,
panicking?,
about change.
(This has nothing to do with you, Obama, get over it.)

I've done a lot of changing.
I love mixing it up.
I keep wanting more of the same.
Huh?

Rarely content.

I'm content in love.
And I love my family,
my whole family.
Everyone up and down the line.
But I think that's it.

I'll trade everything else.
Sorry.
I do care.
I do cherish this and that.
But so be it, if it's gotta be.
I'll survive.

But my family,
they're not on the table.

I must be very lucky
to love like this.

But I drive myself half-crazy most days
thinking about the
what was,
what is,
and
what's just around the corner.

I re-read and realized just now that I'm way off topic.
I never went where I was going.
I thought seriously about changing the beginning.
But then I changed my mind.

I'll admit it...

Today
I love winter.
I love this snow falling.
I love the Christmas music that
seems to sing directly to the snow
begging for more.
Fall
Fall
Fall

I feel like I'm wrapped up
in a big white blanket.

Me, Really?

My first award.
Honest Scrap.
I do enjoy saying it fast.
I'm told that this award is given for
telling it like it is.
I'm also invited/required(?) to
post ten honest things about
myself. Then it's up to me to pass it on to
seven more bloggers who I believe
tell it like it is.


Thank you "Jacqui"!
I'm honored!


10. I'm highly irritated when I see people write "your" where they should have written "you're".
9. I believe there is more than one path to God.

8. I have terrible knees.

7. I would move away from here in a heartbeat to be near my family.

6. I have a terrible feeling I'll be diagnosed with cancer.

5. I too, have an addiction to the internet.

4. I love rock climbing and wish I could lead a 5.10 route.

3. I have never smoked pot, but I really don't mind if you do.

2. I am left handed, unless there are scissors in my hand.

1. I believe in ghosts.

Bonus honesty...I'm glad you read this.

I'll have to edit and add seven bloggers
at a later date. My blog circle is quite
small right now.

Thanks again Jacqui!

Missing: T

I have been MIA for awhile.

This matters to almost noone else.

I'm very ok with that.

I'm only kicking myself because this is

where I store most of my memory.

"Ya" know?

I traveled to the great state of my

creation (as far as I know),

Minnesota.

My daughter seems to have inherited my

wanderlust. Sweet. We traveled by car for three weeks,

and she shed less tears in the car than her mother.

Wherever I set up the pack-and-play, she passed out.

She met new people almost every day and never failed

in showing her new friends warmth and kindness.

At just a year and a half, I am amazed by her openness

in every new environment she's

thrown into. I love this about you Bug.

Moments from three wonderful weeks

traveling to the land of 10,000 skatings rinks:

Nebraska at night is a good way to see it.
Negative six degrees is not a warm welcome.
Elmo + mountains = carsick
Meat raffles aren't as fun as I'd hoped.
Grandparents are such a blessing.
Good sushi in MN? why yes!
Next time, I'll just buy the pie.
Sun dogs make my heart flutter.
MN Zoo - not as big as it was when I was small.
Michelob Golden Light
Pond Hockey
Trader Joes, buy the Chuck
The town that drank too much, still does.
Bug will not be allowed to date hockey players.
Sister, Sister-in-law :-)
"Spin for the meat"...must be yelled with gusto.
"I think I threw my back out!" shit.
Everyone is so nice here.
Leaving family behind makes me cry.
Watching snow blow across the highway is a trip.
Again with that Elmo, mountains, vomit thing. Gross.
Unpack the car with some relief, but...

If home is where the heart is...am I lost?

Monday night prayer

God,

The drive home tomorrow
is making my heart race.

This isn't the best weather
for transporting precious cargo.

Please give me a window
of stillness,
maybe sunshine?
or armour

But not the invisibility cloak-
I don't want to hear
"I didn't even see you."

If I leave Tuesday morning,
I should be home by Noon
on Wednesday.

Safe travels please -
for everyone.

Amen.

Twelve

I was sitting in the basement of my childhood home,

on a folding chair, leaning over the large

woodbox. I thought the woodbox made the perfect desk.

The fire in the woodstove to my left, crackling,

keeping me warm. I must have been inspired.

I was twelve years old when I wrote my first poem.

"What Is Time?"

Time is a clock that never stops.

For some, time is fast, they never even rest.

For some, time is slow, which is always a bore.

For me, time is an adventure.

It's a time to live.

It's a time to be happy.

It's a time to explore places where I've never gone before.

To me, time makes my life more to live for.

Because it won't stop for me.

It won't stop for you.

It won't stop for anyone.

So never waste time because time needs you.

It needs you to fill the minutes with life.

That's why time is what it is.

It's a silly little poem, but I love it just the same.

I love it because it was simply how I was feeling.

- In that moment, at the fabulously hopeful age of twelve.

Unrevised, unchanged, I still think it rocks.

My God-daughter just turned twelve.

I've been thinking of her quite often.

Does she share the same hope and

excitement for her future?

She's amazing, smart and beautiful.

I hope she knows.

A moment for me

Some days you're just holding on for dear life - trying to keep

the tears from falling, for no apparant reason.

Then...

Dad came home from work and

promptly snuck back out the door to run some errands.

He returned early enough to let me

sneak out the door myself.

Our cute lil Bug was none the wiser.

I haven't had much time to myself lately.

Hmmmm. How could I make the best of this time

all alone returning a movie at the grocery store?

Wander the aisles in search of a great deal, that's how!

A lazy ten minutes later I'm walking to my car carrying

broccoli, Quorn nuggets, Puffs (with lotion), and a

roll of paper towels. I'm such a wild chic.

Through the green lit stoplight I drive, making a last second

(yet carefully maneuvered)

right turn

to the liquor store.

Inside, I find my favorite bottles

of cheap red wine. Although I have

heard from various educated sources that

"the bigger the bottle, the better the wine",

I stick to the basic, classic bottle for two.

I buy three bottles.

Insatiable...

Vampire...

and... I just can't recall.

Now I'm back on Main.

Here's the stop sign at 8th.

I almost turn left, just two blocks from home...

Instead I break away, drive straight - a few blocks downtown,

seeing the people walking, some stores open,

some restaurants closed. It's off-season.

(I didn't know what that meant until I moved here.)

To my left is our kick-ass, one screen, small town movie theater.

Every town should have one. - or maybe not?

It's 7:31 pm. People are still buying tickets outside.

I lock the door, jump out mid-dial. Dad needs to

answer because Mom needs a break. As I hand the money over

he answers the phone.

I have enough cash for the ticket, popcorn and small drink.

Total is $10.00...I have exactly twenty cents left over.

I sit down in the perfect seat, noone blocking my view.

Away I go, it's not my life for a couple of hours.

I'm transported into the past, into someone

else's drama. I need this. I've been craving this.

It's so simple. But, it's so rare.

Two hours later I'm walking out of this

cool little theater and onto the bricked sidewalks.

Into crisp air that's kissing my cheeks.

I'm a bit disoriented, my bearings are momentarily lost.

I'm still in that other world.
A world that, before my daughter and husband,

would have included me seriously considering an escape.

Starting over.

Now I will drive home and "hope"fully share

my brief reprieve with the father of my daughter.

I hope he'll be happy that I got to break out of

routine. It's the small adventures now.

Will I be content?

November 5th, 2008

Spying the fresh white
through glass, it's evident I'm
surrounded by flakes.


I thank God that this election is over.

A deep, dark, sickeningly sweet secret, - revealed.

I want to eat ALL of the Halloween candy.

There, I said it.

I love candy. I love sugar.

When I was a child,

I committed some awfully

terrible sugar sins.

The pure cane sugar,

the powdered sugar,

the brown sugar,

the boxed jello,

I ate it straight.

All of it.

Can you even imagine?

I poured it into

sandwich bags and

cut a small hole in the corners.

Maybe I dropped a little water

into the bag to solidify it some, but

I squeezed it into my mouth,

frosting style.

Disgusting.

A school fundraiser?

Bad idea. I was more likely to

eat the candy than sell it.

No self control

Nada

None

If you think you have a

sweet tooth, you've got

nothing on me.

Quote

I can't let my previous post sit at the top of the page.

I want to send positive out into the world.

I'm not feeling original tonight;

therefore, I'll leave this:

"I intend to live forever.

So far, so good."

-Steven Wright

Feeling Squashed

Apart from my funky attitude lately

concerning the changes in the weather,

and changes in the landscape, I'm finding

myself with many a craving.

Today I pulled out the crockpot

and made a delicious butternut squash

soup. It was my first attempt at squash,

but it must be an easy food. The hints

of cinnamon and nutmeg made me

wish (almost) that snow was falling outside

my window.

So, until I make peace with the dropping leaves

and cold mornings, I'll turn to my crockpot for

the contentment I'm struggling to find.

....I just read this again and almost imploded.

I'm

a

housewife.

I need some new adventures.

and I need them yesterday.

Fifteen Steps

I walked around the corner.
The baby gate had been left open.
There you were.
Your small left hand was moving
slowly along the wall.
You wobbled just a touch
as your foot reached for the
next step. Your right hand
was gripping your pink
blankie. All the way to the
top you walked, just like a big girl.
You turned around and saw
your amazed audience.
You laughed at us.
We stood there silently,
watching our baby
grow up before our eyes.

I forgot who "I will never forget"

I have these old journals.
They have traveled from
house to house,
digs to digs,
casa to casa.

I looked over a few of them this morning.
Some of the funniest shit I've ever read.

I started writing in them when
I was 10 years old.

Oh, for the love of puberty.

I wrote of first loves, lost loves,
unrequited loves. I'm sure it
was therapeutic although it reads
quite pathetic.

I wrote of parents who were
so unfair. Of siblings, who were cruel.

I wrote of birthday wishes, of
Christmas gifts, and how my day went
at school.

I have been keeping a journal off
and on for years.
My writing has improved
somewhat since the 1980's.
My punctuation has taken a nose dive.

In the future, I'll be quoting some of my favorite,
and some of my least favorite entries.

the scary part

This weekend I sat on the floor
in a mountain of baby clothes.
The closet has been more than
overflowing for months now.
I sat sorting tiny socks, onesies
and some of my favorite
little outfits that it seems like
our lil Bug wore just yesterday.
I tried holding them up to my nose,
searching for that new baby smell.
No luck. Everything was clean.

I also sat there in the middle of
all of this and was reminded of
the lack of sleep, the 3 am feedings,
and the inconsolable crying that
sometimes made me melt down.

I thought of the hospital.

My heart started racing at the thought of that
moment - the moment things got really scary.
I'm so thankful that I'm here to
watch you grow lil Bug.


I remember picking you up from your crib in those
first weeks and coming so close to blacking out.
My head would start on fire and everything would get
so dark. I'd hold you over the crib until it passed,
just in case. I'd walk five feet to the rocking
chair and be so exhausted when I sat down,
wondering if I'd ever be strong again.
And Dad, how he must have worried.

Those first months went by so fast.
But those moments in the early days,
they seemed so long.

Thank you for my health.
Thank you for the health
of my family.
Thank you for the love
and the prayers during
those first few weeks.

The Last Meow

Dead cat
wasn't mine.
On the street
quarter til nine.

I got the call
lookin for digits.
Owner of the cat
needs to know
IT was finished.

The owner is waiting,
still has no clue
that their beloved cat
had been shoved
by my shoe.

I just couldn't imagine
the kids walking by,
seeing that cat
then starting to cry.

So out with a shovel,
a bag and flashlight.
The dead weight of that cat
marked the end of my night.



......Yes, a little odd.
Someone ran over a cat
in our neighborhood tonight.
I just stepped up to the plate because
I'm fearless that way.

Gone again.

She stands up tall

on the front porch.

Puts two words

together

"Daddy Workin."

"Yes Bug,

Daddy Workin."

What makes her

think of him?

What did she see

that reminded her

of him?

I smile at the thought of it.

Later...

There's a knock

at the front door...

"Dada! Dada!"

"Sorry Bug.

It's not Dada."

I open the door

when her nap has ended.

"Dada! Dada!"

"Hi Bug, it's Mom."

"Dada??"

"Dada's working."

Come home Dada.

We're missing you

too much today.

New York is just

too far away.

Muchas Gracias

I hit the delete button.
Although I meant
what I said, I couldn't stand
looking at it.

So, what lies beneath
when you feel convicted
to write one thing and then,
just hours later, you're
completely repulsed?

-As I will be, by this, in not too long.

Danger, active dumping

Slipped on a sweatshirt

and into my sandals.
Strolled downtown at 7 am

Alone on main street

not even a car.

20 minutes pass and

I'm walking again,

wearing a slight coffee induced smile.

I see a few cars pass,
families dressed in their

church day best.

A moment of catholic

guilt,

then it passes. :-)

Saw the best Fall colors in years

today.

White marble

against golden Aspens.

Awesome.

Awe inspiring.

I quietly contemplated my life.

I spent the day with my family.

I spent the day with friends.

I saw God's artwork and together it

was infinitely
more moving

than anything

I will find in a church.

That's my kind of

fellowship.
Well, that and a bottle of wine.

layer by layer

Autumn breeze whispers

quite coldly into my ear:

snowshoes not sandals

Would you like something to drink?

The bug knows our vices.
She finishes her morning milk
then walks over to me and
points at my mug "coppee!"
Yep, I love my coffee.
She loves her milk.
I don't drink her milk
and she has yet to want
a taste of my coffee.

But yesterday was hysterical.
(at least to me, it was)
Dad is working on the back yard.
We're trading our grass that is dead
or dying from all of the dog abuse.
We're installing turf. No kidding!
It's great for pets. It drains well,
needs no watering and no mowing.

(I have a point)

The bug walked to the patio door,
looked outside and pointed at the table.


"BEER".


They remember what they see and
what they hear. Wow, do they ever!
I don't drink beer and Dad's hardly been
home lately. But she's not missing a thing.




Milk
Coppee
Beer

All three available here.

Walking for Liz

I'm so excited!
I found a group of girls who want
to walk with me this Sunday for
a very good reason.

You can find the reason at the following website.
http://www.mattlogelin.com/

I also have to thank Matt for unknowingly
influencing me to keep an online diary.
I've tried the pencil/paper diary but would forget
to write for months.

I spend much more time on the computer and
by reading his blog, realized that I would lose
too many moments of my life by trying to keep
them to memory. I seem to forget what I did the day
before much too often.

So, thank you Matt.

I spent the morning at the park with the Bug.
She gets more coordinated with each visit.
She loved playing with all of her friends.
I loved the fact to I got to be there with her.
Although she'd be fine at a daycare, I am so lucky
to be the one she's with all day. So Daddy, thanks
for working so hard at work so we can do it
this way. I love you.

A day, like most other days.

Her favorite word is a proud and defiant

"NO"

There's not a ring of anger with it.

She's joyfully

denying involvement;

stating her opinion to a food group;

telling me how much she respects the rules

and my ideas.

Ahhhh, a sixteen month old.

I just can't help but smile.

Also, I let her stay up until 10:15 tonight.

I really don't know how late she'll

stay awake at night. I usually put her down before 9:00.

But I think she'd stay up until midnight if I let her.

She currently loves:

her legos

her potty chair

her dada

her dog

her wagon

her books

her books
and more books.

Thank you for a wonderful day.

Madeline

Sweet baby
tiny breath
the world is waiting
for your next step.

What new magic
will you choose?
Will you clap
your hands?
Stare at the Moon?
Crawl to a toy
across this small room?

Did you know there
are freckles
set in your eyes?
A gift from your mommy
sent from the skies.

Did you know there's
a twinkle,
a giggle,
a laugh?
She gave them to you
to share with your Dad.

And in the silence
while you sleep
Daddy stares
his sadness lingers.

It does not end
with tears little one
You are his hope
his rising sun.

watch out, me!

I was a little angry yesterday.
I should clarify myself.

I don't think it's a good idea to smoke around children.
I don't care if it's nicotine, weed, or whatever else you
pull out of your garden.
It's bad for the lungs.
Causes cancer.
Duh.
Enough said.

Bad Parenting 101

I was so shocked at the park today.

I watched this man, not knowing what to say.

He pushed one of his two kids on the swing.

Then turned away to light a bowl.

Still standing next to the swingset.

Kids playing all around.

He's decided that a park, for children,

is an appropriate place to smoke pot.

Who the hell are you?

A few minutes later he snuck behind a

small boulder to light one up again.

I tried to grab my camera from the

diaper bag in time.

Just as I was going to get the shot...

his kids rounded the corner and he folded

it up in his palm.

(TMZ would never hire me!)

You can see that he has it in his hand though.

What an all american loser.

Do whatever you want to yourself at home.

I'm not here to judge what you do.

I don't care;

But when you do it around children,

it's everyone's business.

Saturday...in the park

Yesterday it happened.

The clouds finally parted and

there it was.

Snow on Sopris.

Ugh. It's pretty, but...

Anyway,

I spent the day outside today.

The weather was beautiful.

It was perfect for a mom and her

one-year-old to explore the small town

they've lived in for a long time.

We began our adventure by going out for coffee.

Bug in the stroller, ready to roll.

I made sure to clean the make-up off

of the skin under my eyes. I didn't want to

look like the morning slob that I was today.

My teeth and hair brushed, but it was obvious

I need a shower.

Walking in to town, I heard a lot of
cheering!

What the F?

What's going on that I somehow missed?

And more importantly, will the line at

the coffee shop be really long because of it?

I see runners rounding a corner.

Oh, just another moment when I realize

I'm not as active as the majority of

people that live in this state. oh well.

I'm happy and not in bad shape!

I investigate...

The Colorado Relay ends its race here.

Those guys/girls are machines!

We walked the park. I'm notably the only one

pushing a stroller. Lots of booths set up.

Looks like a lot of schwag too. People say hello.

I don't need any schwag. Already too much

junk in my house.

Off to coffee house after a detour at the swings.

Line is not too long for a moment...YEAH ME!!

The girls working the counter look a little haggard.

They have been slammed all morning.

Coffee in hand I head to do a little local shop,

chat it up with friends.

The rest of the day involved dog walking, a visit

and more park time with friends.

And another stop at

the coffee shop, on ice this time, thank you.

My complaint today?

Dad is gone, AGAIN.

In the woods.

Helping our guests find the elk.

He's just never around these days.

Crappy.

So happy to see you...

100 miles north of the Arctic Circle.

He was the last one to be picked up.

I'm so glad he's home. I had taken the Bug and the dog for a walk this morning and when we got back he was unloading the vehicle in our driveway. Bug says "Dada, Dada" "Up, Up" (she wants out of the back pack.) The dog is shaking her tail with uncontrollable joy and I dived in for a kiss.

We got presents too. I got a maroon sweatshirt with "Alaska" across the front. Bug got a onesie and a stuffed bear. Good job Dad!

His plane left Anchorage at 11:00 pm and landed in Denver at 6:00 am. He called at 7:45 to let me know they had arrived.

Catch up....

Friday afternoon we celebrated the finalizing of the adoption of a very awesome lil guy! You're stuck with all of us now JT!!

Saturday night my friend K.G. came over to drink wine and watch a movie with me.

Sunday evening I took Bug to a restaurant down the street. We had dinner, just the two of us. Crayons for her, glass of wine for me. We walked downtown afterwards and heard the live music. Main Street was closed off for a "Community Appreciation Party" and dance. Dang. Could have had a free meal instead. Bug danced in the stroller, she had a blast while I talked to friends I ran into on the street. It's our last night without Dad. That's good.

Satellite Phone

The bug, she stayed up late tonight.
I lost track of time, didn't even look.
So, sometime after ten p.m.
The phone started ringing
and guess who was there?
her awesome daddy
out of nowhere!
He got to tell her
he loves her.
She said "Hi Dada!"
grabbing onto the phone.
It was then that
I heard him start to cry
connected to us
by the satellite in the sky.

Restless weather

The dog ran through

the fields this morning.

Bug was in the back pack.

We walked with friends.

How does Mother Nature know

that yesterday was Labor Day?

I could feel Fall in the air.

I could smell it. Almost taste it.

It's the season I hate to love.

Winter follows.

So hard for me to live in the

"weather" moment.

I'm always dreading, wondering,

anticipating what tomorrow, next week,

next month will bring.

How do I settle in?

Enjoy this day?

She cried for Dada today.

So nice to know she thinks

of him. I'm thinking of him too.

day, day, day

Quiet day, it was today.

Bath day

Dog day

Hurricane Gustav day

VP Nom. daughter pregnant day

Buy "Applesauce Cake" paint in GWS day

Hang with O, N and JT day

Play day

Thankful for my family day

........oh yeah, and it's Labor Day.

Ain't that lonely yet...

Day three without Daddy.



Dog needs a walk.



Bug needs a snuggle.



Mom is actually doing

just fine.

She had a three hour break this afternoon.

She sang along with Mr. Dwight Yoakam.

The weather was perfect for an outdoor concert.

Dad just called. He jumps on a plane

for Kotzebue in the wee hours of the morning.

Once there, he gets on a little puddle jumper

that will drop him and the boys off somewhere

in the middle of nowhere.

A couple hundred miles from Russia.



I won't hear from him until Saturday night.

I'm lonely.



Miss you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kotzebue,_Alaska

No Ziggy Marley, No Bob Dylan

Today we played

in the park.

Then we sold our tickets to the concert.

I'm not as interested in going

with Dad out of town.

When they are so young,

do they miss their daddies?

Do they realize Daddy didn't come home?

The question makes me a little uneasy.

I know that when she sees him,

she'll jump up and scream his name!

...and leave me in the dust, running to him.

But, does she miss him now?

I miss him.

I miss him very, very much.

the last frontier

This morning he finished packing his bags.

Bug is a little edgy. She feels the change coming.

Dog is all-knowing. Dog knows he's leaving and sits close by.

I'm scared today. I wasn't scared yesterday.

But, I'm scared today. God... keep him safe during his travels.

A big family hug. We cried. Even he cried. He must love us!

Alaska, here he comes. Please send him home safely.

Growing

She's getting bigger
stronger
smarter
every second.

She goes down for a nap
and wakes with a new skill.

I didn't get her latest silly
skill on video.

Can't wait
for those moments..
have to be
ready to catch them.


Instead of teaching her
that a chicken says
"Cluck"
I chose "Bock Bock".

Who knows why.

So, I also read her the book
"Ten in the Bed".
One of the animals goes
"bonk" onto the floor.

I ask her later what a chicken says....

She smiles proudly and
with her hand...
wacks herself repeatedly
across her head saying
"Bock Bock".

I've taught her to abuse herself.
Nice job Mom.

By the way...
Did you know
that a bunny says
"hop hop"
Well they do.

I don't smoke.
I don't understand it.
I smoked over ten years ago.
A high school slash college thing.
It makes no rational sense to me.

Let me tell you this though.
When I listen to Eddie Vedder...




I just want to light one up.