just a little thing

Catching a memory from this morning.

Bug walks up to Mom-

"Mom, can you read this book to me please? Because I can't read."

"You can't read?"

"No Mom, cause me just two. I'm just this little person who can't read."

She can't read, but she's smart as a whip.

1984

I wanted to post something tonight.
I don't have a lot to tell you.
But,
I did receive an message from
a girl who used to torment me
when I was in middle school.
It was 1984,
4th grade.
I wanted to kill myself.
I was born in 1973
and I wanted to drown
myself in 1984.
Noone would speak to me at school,
my small catholic school.
To be in her club, they had to ignore me.
She was the rich girl.
I was the one she chose.
I have nothing against her today.
But, I do remember it all so well.
The words were cruel.
The looks were venom.
The silence was the worst of all.
I was so lonely.

Today, I am 35.
Today, I am fine.
I forgave her in my heart
a long, long time ago.
Today,
I remember.

I received an email
from this woman.
She apologized
to me.

It made tears fall
down my cheeks
to my shirt.

It filled a hole
in my heart
I didn't know I had.

Looking back, I'm glad I came in third.

When I was in junior high school
my father shared a little secret with me.
I remember being shocked by it at the time.

I think we were talking about the
commitments we make in life.
Discussing, as it was, the hierarchy of love.

He told me that in his life,
God came first.
His marriage came in second
and his kids were in third place.

Those were the three most important
things in his life.
But no,
we weren't all equal.

God, first
Wife, second
Children, third

I remember thinking
about the Dad I adored
and loved so much.
He put me down there
in third place!

I know that
our family unit stayed
strong and intact because
his relationship
with his wife
was always
more important
to him
than his relationship with us.
If he had never told me,
I would have never known.
I couldn't feel more loved.

God
Marriage
Children
In our family, thankfully,
there was no other way.

White

Shhhhhhhhhh!

Quiet please -

I'm listening to the wind.

A photo of blossoms

flowering in the tree.

Some kind of snow

warming on branches.

The fragrant air gives

the truth away.

But how long will

these flowers stay?

Wind!

You're coming back again!

Scattering the beauty.

Petals, like snowflakes,

fly through the air.

Wind!

I wish you'd stay away awhile

But obviously

you don't care.

A flash of today

Making a promise to write more often?
Why didn't someone tell me that
this is almost impossible?

Sorry.

Bug, You're growing so very fast.
You'll be two in less than a month
and the potty training is going fairly well.
Today, you
"pooped in the potty, just like Daddy" - your
words, not mine.
Is that the ultimate compliment?
I'll ask you when you're older.
Twelve years from now, we could be begging
for a compliment of that caliber.

You're speaking in lengthy sentances these days.
You're also improving your negotiating skills.
You never fought bedtime before.
Now, it's ...read a book Mom?
...Wheels on the Bus Mom?
...Bitsy Spider Mom?
...look at pictures Mom?
...snuggle Mom?
...sleep on Mommy's pillow?

As always,
I'll miss you while you're sleeping Bug, we'll sing songs again tomorrow.

Spring Snowstorm 2009

Eyelids, fingers, toes
motionless in naked pose.
Fighting off the urge to shiver,
Crying out at old man winter.

Snowflakes gently fall.
Melting, cleansing, cooling my
skin. Waiting impatiently
for Spring to begin.

Put some clothes on,
Dare I say!
It won't get warmer
by undressing this way!

Part two

So, I've been doing
some investigating.

This health insurance
problem in our country
is just awful.

I do have health insurance.

Our government
will pay for an illegal
immigrant's prenatal care
and delivery and will also happily pay
for the birth of a baby whose
family is on welfare.

I've been speaking to insurance
providers and our local health care
providers in clinics and at the hospital.

Without maternity coverage on my health plan,
and if I have a perfect pregnancy & delivery,
my "prenatal" care will be a minimum of
$2,500.00 plus the cost of blood work, ultrasounds
and any other routine tests.
If I pay my bill before I leave the hospital,
after receiving the most basic of care, not including any
drugs or pain relieving medication, I only have to pay
$6,900.00 for the hospital portion.

$2,500.00 +
$6,900.00 =
$9,400.00 plus the cost of prenatal tests.
That's probably another thousand.
Good Grief.

Now, if I can find insurance with maternity coverage ,..
(I'm 35 and noone wants to
support a woman having a baby at
35 these days.)
I need to purchase an insurance rider at a minimum
of $900.00 a month. Then I need to wait at least three
months before I'm allowed to get pregnant. So, I pay that each month
along with my regular premium in hopes I get pregnant right away.
None of this money goes towards a deductible.
NONE OF IT!

At the point I get pregnant I can look at a my
monthly $1,000.00+ premium that like I said,
doesn't go towards my deductible of $3,000.00, plus
50% of any hospital costs up to my max out of
pocket which is usually $8,000.00 or more!!!
Don't forget that as soon as a baby pops out,
we get to start all over paying for the baby.
Those hospital bills are a couple of
thousand out of pocket at a minimum.
We're talking about an insured birth
estimating a minimum out-of-pocket
cost of $17,000.00
-if there are no complications.

If I showed up and said we don't make any money,
Medicaid would cover and I'd pay
something like $300.00 out of pocket.
If I showed up and said I don't have a SS#,
I'd still pay next to nothing and walk out a free woman.

I don't know what the hell to do.
Children are priceless, but how
can we afford to get one?

What kind of message is
my great country trying
to send to me?

Part One

I can easily embrace the

simple truth that

children are priceless.

I'd give every penny

but never

my daughter.

She's my everything.

It's not a choice I made.

It's an uncomplicated

truth, a fact.

She's as necessary

as the air I breathe.

I am spoiled in her

genuine love for me.

Each time she wakes

I tell her honestly,

adoringly,

"I missed you while

you were sleeping."

Bug, you're so easy to love.

Sorting

I've been organizing thousands of photos
from the last 25 years.
It's a good thing I didn't have a
camera for the first ten.

I now know that there is hardly ever a good
reason to order "doubles". I have so many doubles,
it'll be next to impossible to sift through them.

There are now boxes titled "1992 - 2000".
It was the best I could do for those years.
I don't even know how to begin sorting.
Those years were my crazy years.
Crazy fun.

Other boxes titled "112 years", "Cara Ct years", etc...

I also found multiple CD's given to me as gifts
from multiple brides & grooms on their wedding day.
Honestly, does anyone listen to these
homemade CD's full of sappy, corny,
downright vomit-inducing love songs? Individually,
some of these songs are just fine, but put them together
and it's enough to make me... well, I don't know, but it's enough
to make me want to do something unpleasant.

I apologize for offending, and maybe most of the guests are
wild with appreciation. I could be the small minority.
I loved your weddings and I love you.

The truth I was trying to share is just this:
I've never
listened to a
single one.
.
.
.
.
To those of you that gave
me the personalized wedding
pint glasses -
You kick ass.
.
.
.
And to those of you
who gave us nothing,
I like that the best. Your
wedding day is about
you two, not us. I was
just happy to be there
anyway.
I wanted nothing more.