My tear storage is almost too full again.
It's so frustratingly common lately.
The eyes begin to well up multiple times
each and every day. Most times I have
enough tenacity to shove those tears back
in and force myself forward to the next
exhausting moment in the day. But sometimes
the battle is lost. I read something mild that struck
me as heartbreaking or I read something heartbreaking
that brought me to what I can only describe as a violent
rage within my usually peaceful soul. This crying, these
emotions, they feel so useless.
A dirty pot in the sink, I feel about as lovable as that.
Only a fraction of this shows. I weep within.
My patience is wearing thin. My self-motivation has vanished.
Everything in this house suffers except my beautiful daughter.
But even she is stung by the shortness in my voice and I am sad again.
I know it is difficult to be married to me.
I am a selfish and wasted soul these days.
My heart is waiting for me to warm it. But I don't know how.
I just want to sleep.
Where is the laid back girl I was, not so long ago? When will
I see her smiling face again?
The last time around, I didn't feel this way.
ugh. I don't like it.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
The posts that didn't get posted
I am deleting the posts that I never did release.
Here's a line from each one,
so as not to be completely forgotten.
"Not quite depressing
but a slight sense of doom."
"Shoes are swinging,
hanging there.
Outside my window,
attracting my stare"
"I need to stop focusing on the corners."
"An engagement ring returned
four hours later, at a table inside
Al's Oasis."
"I'm worth a dozen dimes."
"...taps my shoulder now and then."
"Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
I can do better than this."
"I'd been told by my priest
that I'd been brainwashed and
I'd go to hell after coming to
school a born-again christian
in the 6th grade."
"You inspire me."
Here's a line from each one,
so as not to be completely forgotten.
"Not quite depressing
but a slight sense of doom."
"Shoes are swinging,
hanging there.
Outside my window,
attracting my stare"
"I need to stop focusing on the corners."
"An engagement ring returned
four hours later, at a table inside
Al's Oasis."
"I'm worth a dozen dimes."
"...taps my shoulder now and then."
"Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
I can do better than this."
"I'd been told by my priest
that I'd been brainwashed and
I'd go to hell after coming to
school a born-again christian
in the 6th grade."
"You inspire me."
Saturday, October 17, 2009
something old, but new
I think maybe I just like reading your name.
When I close my eyes mine is the same.
It's not what I expected, just a bit of what's lost.
Reliving a memory gives my sanity pause.
It flowed so easy to say it aloud.
I thought it was mine, not my mind in a cloud.
No other will fit me, such a melodic end.
All others fall flat and at most echo friend.
When I close my eyes mine is the same.
It's not what I expected, just a bit of what's lost.
Reliving a memory gives my sanity pause.
It flowed so easy to say it aloud.
I thought it was mine, not my mind in a cloud.
No other will fit me, such a melodic end.
All others fall flat and at most echo friend.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Bug's sunset story
Silly you
little one
Sitting under
setting sun
Goodnight, you say
as it falls
below the trees
the dusk, it draws
See you in the morning
but between now and then
a whole different world awakens
to begin their day again
The owl watches over
from its perch so high
Groggy bear stumbles forward
to an apple tree nearby
Little mice, they scramble
coming out to play
Raccoon marches forward
its family starts their day
As you sleep soundly under
twinkling stars and wandering moon
The animals you see in pictures
eat their lunch outside your room
With bellies full and sleepy eyes
it's time they said goodnight
as they are falling fast asleep
You awake to morning's light
little one
Sitting under
setting sun
Goodnight, you say
as it falls
below the trees
the dusk, it draws
See you in the morning
but between now and then
a whole different world awakens
to begin their day again
The owl watches over
from its perch so high
Groggy bear stumbles forward
to an apple tree nearby
Little mice, they scramble
coming out to play
Raccoon marches forward
its family starts their day
As you sleep soundly under
twinkling stars and wandering moon
The animals you see in pictures
eat their lunch outside your room
With bellies full and sleepy eyes
it's time they said goodnight
as they are falling fast asleep
You awake to morning's light
Thursday, September 17, 2009
hmmm
I could be ill
I may fall out
this giant weight
pushing me down
I've looked above
tried to push through
I glance some light
just past you
A lake frozen over
in one sunless day
I forgot to stop swimming
and under I stay
I may fall out
this giant weight
pushing me down
I've looked above
tried to push through
I glance some light
just past you
A lake frozen over
in one sunless day
I forgot to stop swimming
and under I stay
Monday, September 14, 2009
Jana
I sit here
waiting
patiently.
She's more than waiting now.
Her body, made for this.
Her mind, prepared for this.
Her man, a lesson in helpful,
but feeling helpless.
Support surrounds her.
She is capable.
Love energizes her.
She is strong.
Pain pushes her.
She is driven.
It seems neverending
but it won't be long.
waiting
She's more than waiting now.
Her body, made for this.
Her mind, prepared for this.
Her man, a lesson in helpful,
but feeling helpless.
Support surrounds her.
She is capable.
Love energizes her.
She is strong.
Pain pushes her.
She is driven.
It seems neverending
but it won't be long.
Friday, August 28, 2009
skin
Staring at the skin
on the backs of my hands.
Thinned.
Blotched.
Creased.
Scarred.
Wrinkled.
Never once thinking
that I'd arrive here so soon.
It's not quite depressing
just a slight sense of doom.
on the backs of my hands.
Thinned.
Blotched.
Creased.
Scarred.
Wrinkled.
Remembering
the tautness of skin,
Never once thinking
that I'd arrive here so soon.
It's not quite depressing
just a slight sense of doom.
Monday, July 20, 2009
random, once again.
I wish it would come back to me.
the thought
the storm
your memory
I wish it hadn't gone away.
the dream
the face
like yesterday
Fading like a photo
left out in the sun
The outline traced with
colored chalk
It waits for rain to come.
Breathing in so deeply
standing before -
in awe.
Saying everything but
the right words.
A massive giant flaw.
....No review, no punctuation, not even sure what it's about. I'll read it again after posting and feel slightly embarrased.
---------------
Listening to the gravel
crunching on the tar
my footsteps breaking silence
as I stare up to where you are.
Tonight the stars are millions
they flicker in the sky
The tears start falling, cooling
the skin under my eyes.
t.b.c....
(started typing another, but couldn't get it out right with a phone conversation nearby. This one was from camping this weekend. The stars - so many, many stars. I was overcome.)
the thought
the storm
your memory
I wish it hadn't gone away.
the dream
the face
like yesterday
Fading like a photo
left out in the sun
The outline traced with
colored chalk
It waits for rain to come.
Breathing in so deeply
standing before -
in awe.
Saying everything but
the right words.
A massive giant flaw.
....No review, no punctuation, not even sure what it's about. I'll read it again after posting and feel slightly embarrased.
---------------
Listening to the gravel
crunching on the tar
my footsteps breaking silence
as I stare up to where you are.
Tonight the stars are millions
they flicker in the sky
The tears start falling, cooling
the skin under my eyes.
t.b.c....
(started typing another, but couldn't get it out right with a phone conversation nearby. This one was from camping this weekend. The stars - so many, many stars. I was overcome.)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
just a little thing
Catching a memory from this morning.
Bug walks up to Mom-
"Mom, can you read this book to me please? Because I can't read."
"You can't read?"
"No Mom, cause me just two. I'm just this little person who can't read."
She can't read, but she's smart as a whip.
Bug walks up to Mom-
"Mom, can you read this book to me please? Because I can't read."
"You can't read?"
"No Mom, cause me just two. I'm just this little person who can't read."
She can't read, but she's smart as a whip.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
1984
I wanted to post something tonight.
I don't have a lot to tell you.
But,
I did receive an message from
a girl who used to torment me
when I was in middle school.
It was 1984,
4th grade.
I wanted to kill myself.
I was born in 1973
and I wanted to drown
myself in 1984.
Noone would speak to me at school,
my small catholic school.
To be in her club, they had to ignore me.
She was the rich girl.
I was the one she chose.
I have nothing against her today.
But, I do remember it all so well.
The words were cruel.
The looks were venom.
The silence was the worst of all.
I was so lonely.
Today, I am 35.
Today, I am fine.
I forgave her in my heart
a long, long time ago.
Today,
I remember.
I received an email
from this woman.
She apologized
to me.
It made tears fall
down my cheeks
to my shirt.
It filled a hole
in my heart
I didn't know I had.
I don't have a lot to tell you.
But,
I did receive an message from
a girl who used to torment me
when I was in middle school.
It was 1984,
4th grade.
I wanted to kill myself.
I was born in 1973
and I wanted to drown
myself in 1984.
Noone would speak to me at school,
my small catholic school.
To be in her club, they had to ignore me.
She was the rich girl.
I was the one she chose.
I have nothing against her today.
But, I do remember it all so well.
The words were cruel.
The looks were venom.
The silence was the worst of all.
I was so lonely.
Today, I am 35.
Today, I am fine.
I forgave her in my heart
a long, long time ago.
Today,
I remember.
I received an email
from this woman.
She apologized
to me.
It made tears fall
down my cheeks
to my shirt.
It filled a hole
in my heart
I didn't know I had.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Looking back, I'm glad I came in third.
When I was in junior high school
my father shared a little secret with me.
I remember being shocked by it at the time.
I think we were talking about the
commitments we make in life.
Discussing, as it was, the hierarchy of love.
He told me that in his life,
God came first.
His marriage came in second
and his kids were in third place.
Those were the three most important
things in his life.
But no,
we weren't all equal.
God, first
Wife, second
Children, third
I remember thinking
about the Dad I adored
and loved so much.
He put me down there
in third place!
I know that
our family unit stayed
strong and intact because
his relationship
with his wife
was always
more important
to him
than his relationship with us.
If he had never told me,
I would have never known.
I couldn't feel more loved.
God
Marriage
Children
In our family, thankfully,
there was no other way.
my father shared a little secret with me.
I remember being shocked by it at the time.
I think we were talking about the
commitments we make in life.
Discussing, as it was, the hierarchy of love.
He told me that in his life,
God came first.
His marriage came in second
and his kids were in third place.
Those were the three most important
things in his life.
But no,
we weren't all equal.
God, first
Wife, second
Children, third
I remember thinking
about the Dad I adored
and loved so much.
He put me down there
in third place!
I know that
our family unit stayed
strong and intact because
his relationship
with his wife
was always
more important
to him
than his relationship with us.
If he had never told me,
I would have never known.
I couldn't feel more loved.
God
Marriage
Children
In our family, thankfully,
there was no other way.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
White
Shhhhhhhhhh!
Quiet please -
I'm listening to the wind.
A photo of blossoms
flowering in the tree.
Some kind of snow
warming on branches.
The fragrant air gives
the truth away.
But how long will
these flowers stay?
Wind!
You're coming back again!
Scattering the beauty.
Petals, like snowflakes,
fly through the air.
Wind!
I wish you'd stay away awhile
But obviously
you don't care.
Monday, March 30, 2009
A flash of today
Making a promise to write more often?
Why didn't someone tell me that
this is almost impossible?
Sorry.
Bug, You're growing so very fast.
You'll be two in less than a month
and the potty training is going fairly well.
Today, you
"pooped in the potty, just like Daddy" - your
words, not mine.
Is that the ultimate compliment?
I'll ask you when you're older.
Twelve years from now, we could be begging
for a compliment of that caliber.
You're speaking in lengthy sentances these days.
You're also improving your negotiating skills.
You never fought bedtime before.
Now, it's ...read a book Mom?
...Wheels on the Bus Mom?
...Bitsy Spider Mom?
...look at pictures Mom?
...snuggle Mom?
...sleep on Mommy's pillow?
As always,
I'll miss you while you're sleeping Bug, we'll sing songs again tomorrow.
Why didn't someone tell me that
this is almost impossible?
Sorry.
Bug, You're growing so very fast.
You'll be two in less than a month
and the potty training is going fairly well.
Today, you
"pooped in the potty, just like Daddy" - your
words, not mine.
Is that the ultimate compliment?
I'll ask you when you're older.
Twelve years from now, we could be begging
for a compliment of that caliber.
You're speaking in lengthy sentances these days.
You're also improving your negotiating skills.
You never fought bedtime before.
Now, it's ...read a book Mom?
...Wheels on the Bus Mom?
...Bitsy Spider Mom?
...look at pictures Mom?
...snuggle Mom?
...sleep on Mommy's pillow?
As always,
I'll miss you while you're sleeping Bug, we'll sing songs again tomorrow.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Spring Snowstorm 2009
Eyelids, fingers, toes
motionless in naked pose.
Fighting off the urge to shiver,
Crying out at old man winter.
Snowflakes gently fall.
Melting, cleansing, cooling my
skin. Waiting impatiently
for Spring to begin.
Put some clothes on,
Dare I say!
It won't get warmer
by undressing this way!
motionless in naked pose.
Fighting off the urge to shiver,
Crying out at old man winter.
Snowflakes gently fall.
Melting, cleansing, cooling my
skin. Waiting impatiently
for Spring to begin.
Put some clothes on,
Dare I say!
It won't get warmer
by undressing this way!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Part two
So, I've been doing
some investigating.
This health insurance
problem in our country
is just awful.
I do have health insurance.
Our government
will pay for an illegal
immigrant's prenatal care
and delivery and will also happily pay
for the birth of a baby whose
family is on welfare.
I've been speaking to insurance
providers and our local health care
providers in clinics and at the hospital.
Without maternity coverage on my health plan,
and if I have a perfect pregnancy & delivery,
my "prenatal" care will be a minimum of
$2,500.00 plus the cost of blood work, ultrasounds
and any other routine tests.
If I pay my bill before I leave the hospital,
after receiving the most basic of care, not including any
drugs or pain relieving medication, I only have to pay
$6,900.00 for the hospital portion.
$2,500.00 +
$6,900.00 =
$9,400.00 plus the cost of prenatal tests.
That's probably another thousand.
Good Grief.
Now, if I can find insurance with maternity coverage ,..
(I'm 35 and noone wants to
support a woman having a baby at
35 these days.)
I need to purchase an insurance rider at a minimum
of $900.00 a month. Then I need to wait at least three
months before I'm allowed to get pregnant. So, I pay that each month
along with my regular premium in hopes I get pregnant right away.
None of this money goes towards a deductible.
NONE OF IT!
At the point I get pregnant I can look at a my
monthly $1,000.00+ premium that like I said,
doesn't go towards my deductible of $3,000.00, plus
50% of any hospital costs up to my max out of
pocket which is usually $8,000.00 or more!!!
Don't forget that as soon as a baby pops out,
we get to start all over paying for the baby.
Those hospital bills are a couple of
thousand out of pocket at a minimum.
We're talking about an insured birth
estimating a minimum out-of-pocket
cost of $17,000.00
-if there are no complications.
If I showed up and said we don't make any money,
Medicaid would cover and I'd pay
something like $300.00 out of pocket.
If I showed up and said I don't have a SS#,
I'd still pay next to nothing and walk out a free woman.
I don't know what the hell to do.
Children are priceless, but how
can we afford to get one?
What kind of message is
my great country trying
to send to me?
some investigating.
This health insurance
problem in our country
is just awful.
I do have health insurance.
Our government
will pay for an illegal
immigrant's prenatal care
and delivery and will also happily pay
for the birth of a baby whose
family is on welfare.
I've been speaking to insurance
providers and our local health care
providers in clinics and at the hospital.
Without maternity coverage on my health plan,
and if I have a perfect pregnancy & delivery,
my "prenatal" care will be a minimum of
$2,500.00 plus the cost of blood work, ultrasounds
and any other routine tests.
If I pay my bill before I leave the hospital,
after receiving the most basic of care, not including any
drugs or pain relieving medication, I only have to pay
$6,900.00 for the hospital portion.
$2,500.00 +
$6,900.00 =
$9,400.00 plus the cost of prenatal tests.
That's probably another thousand.
Good Grief.
Now, if I can find insurance with maternity coverage ,..
(I'm 35 and noone wants to
support a woman having a baby at
35 these days.)
I need to purchase an insurance rider at a minimum
of $900.00 a month. Then I need to wait at least three
months before I'm allowed to get pregnant. So, I pay that each month
along with my regular premium in hopes I get pregnant right away.
None of this money goes towards a deductible.
NONE OF IT!
At the point I get pregnant I can look at a my
monthly $1,000.00+ premium that like I said,
doesn't go towards my deductible of $3,000.00, plus
50% of any hospital costs up to my max out of
pocket which is usually $8,000.00 or more!!!
Don't forget that as soon as a baby pops out,
we get to start all over paying for the baby.
Those hospital bills are a couple of
thousand out of pocket at a minimum.
We're talking about an insured birth
estimating a minimum out-of-pocket
cost of $17,000.00
-if there are no complications.
If I showed up and said we don't make any money,
Medicaid would cover and I'd pay
something like $300.00 out of pocket.
If I showed up and said I don't have a SS#,
I'd still pay next to nothing and walk out a free woman.
I don't know what the hell to do.
Children are priceless, but how
can we afford to get one?
What kind of message is
my great country trying
to send to me?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Part One
I can easily embrace the
simple truth that
children are priceless.
I'd give every penny
but never
my daughter.
She's my everything.
It's not a choice I made.
It's an uncomplicated
truth, a fact.
She's as necessary
as the air I breathe.
I am spoiled in her
genuine love for me.
Each time she wakes
I tell her honestly,
adoringly,
"I missed you while
you were sleeping."
Bug, you're so easy to love.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sorting
I've been organizing thousands of photos
from the last 25 years.
It's a good thing I didn't have a
camera for the first ten.
I now know that there is hardly ever a good
reason to order "doubles". I have so many doubles,
it'll be next to impossible to sift through them.
There are now boxes titled "1992 - 2000".
It was the best I could do for those years.
I don't even know how to begin sorting.
Those years were my crazy years.
Crazy fun.
Other boxes titled "112 years", "Cara Ct years", etc...
I also found multiple CD's given to me as gifts
from multiple brides & grooms on their wedding day.
Honestly, does anyone listen to these
homemade CD's full of sappy, corny,
downright vomit-inducing love songs? Individually,
some of these songs are just fine, but put them together
and it's enough to make me... well, I don't know, but it's enough
to make me want to do something unpleasant.
I apologize for offending, and maybe most of the guests are
wild with appreciation. I could be the small minority.
I loved your weddings and I love you.
The truth I was trying to share is just this:
I've never
listened to a
single one.
.
.
.
.
To those of you that gave
me the personalized wedding
pint glasses -
You kick ass.
.
.
.
And to those of you
who gave us nothing,
I like that the best. Your
wedding day is about
you two, not us. I was
just happy to be there
anyway.
I wanted nothing more.
from the last 25 years.
It's a good thing I didn't have a
camera for the first ten.
I now know that there is hardly ever a good
reason to order "doubles". I have so many doubles,
it'll be next to impossible to sift through them.
There are now boxes titled "1992 - 2000".
It was the best I could do for those years.
I don't even know how to begin sorting.
Those years were my crazy years.
Crazy fun.
Other boxes titled "112 years", "Cara Ct years", etc...
I also found multiple CD's given to me as gifts
from multiple brides & grooms on their wedding day.
Honestly, does anyone listen to these
homemade CD's full of sappy, corny,
downright vomit-inducing love songs? Individually,
some of these songs are just fine, but put them together
and it's enough to make me... well, I don't know, but it's enough
to make me want to do something unpleasant.
I apologize for offending, and maybe most of the guests are
wild with appreciation. I could be the small minority.
I loved your weddings and I love you.
The truth I was trying to share is just this:
I've never
listened to a
single one.
.
.
.
.
To those of you that gave
me the personalized wedding
pint glasses -
You kick ass.
.
.
.
And to those of you
who gave us nothing,
I like that the best. Your
wedding day is about
you two, not us. I was
just happy to be there
anyway.
I wanted nothing more.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Groundhog's Day
This is the day I've chosen to make changes.
It's been on my cranium calendar.
I'm trying to channel Phil Connors, in a good way.
I'm going to repeat over and over until I get it right.
1. I'm getting some form of exercise every day.
2. I'm going to be a more loving wife.
3. I'm going to pray more often, and in a way that He'd appreciate.
4. I'm going to write much more often, but you know...
It comes
and it goes,
this desire
to write.
The word "write"
hasn't changed.
I'm actually typing.
But "type"
doesn't inspire,
doesn't beg for more,
doesn't leaving you wishing
I'd "typed" a little more.
Wish me luck, I'm off to fold laundry
while watching the movie that is part
of today's inspiration. :-)
It's been on my cranium calendar.
I'm trying to channel Phil Connors, in a good way.
I'm going to repeat over and over until I get it right.
1. I'm getting some form of exercise every day.
2. I'm going to be a more loving wife.
3. I'm going to pray more often, and in a way that He'd appreciate.
4. I'm going to write much more often, but you know...
It comes
and it goes,
this desire
to write.
The word "write"
hasn't changed.
I'm actually typing.
But "type"
doesn't inspire,
doesn't beg for more,
doesn't leaving you wishing
I'd "typed" a little more.
Wish me luck, I'm off to fold laundry
while watching the movie that is part
of today's inspiration. :-)
Maybe 1991? Maybe later?
Another one of my dorky old poems from way back when.
No, it's not about me. It's just made up stuff.
I liked (like) to rhyme and see where it goes.
"I used to care
not today
Across this table
the gap is wide
I hand it back
I stand outside
I wish... I'd yelled
like a mad woman
at the back of your car
You turned around
but strolled on by
Footsteps firm
but knees were shaking
your eyes read apathy
but your soul was quaking
Smile?
Yes!
Of course I did
I'm not as kind
as I was as a kid
The news you wanted
was not what arrived
Done being stepped on
...I... say goodbye"
No, it's not about me. It's just made up stuff.
I liked (like) to rhyme and see where it goes.
"I used to care
not today
Across this table
the gap is wide
I hand it back
I stand outside
I wish... I'd yelled
like a mad woman
at the back of your car
You turned around
but strolled on by
Footsteps firm
but knees were shaking
your eyes read apathy
but your soul was quaking
Smile?
Yes!
Of course I did
I'm not as kind
as I was as a kid
The news you wanted
was not what arrived
Done being stepped on
...I... say goodbye"
Saturday, January 31, 2009
25 Random Things
I wrote this list for Crackbook.
1. I'm left-handed
2. I told my dog I was pregnant before I told anyone else (in 2006)
3. I bruise easily (both physically and emotionally)
4. I wish I lived close to a coffee shop that's open during the evenings
5. I miss some people I used to be close to
6. I love tater-tot hotdish and sushi, but not at the same time
7. I don't trust any doctor who says "It won't happen again" just after saying "I don't know why it happened"
8. I got my tattoo with one of my Facebook friends
9. I've owned a white Ford Tempo, black Chevy pickup, a red Chevy convertible, blue Kia, and green Blazer
10. I was a thumbsucker and carried a blankie, just like my daughter does now. It makes me so happy.
11. I think storms are awesome, love weather!!
12. I blog
13. I love road trips with my husband
14. I ride a hot pink and black cruiser during the summer
15. I pretended to speak in tongues as a child...so I would fit in
16. I once put a handful of sunflower seeds in my mouth, then quickly realized they were covered in tiny ants!!
17. I hate TV stations that play the commercials twice as loud as the show I'm watching
18. I walked in my sleep & had night-terrors
19. I'm a morning person
20. I shop MN real estate on a regular basis
21. I pray a lot, but very rarely go to church
22. I'd love more house guests
23. I'd love a vacation with my husband
24. I love my crock pot
25. I'm having trouble finding friends willing to jump on my "Let's move to Minnesota" bandwagon
There it is.
It's the latest thing to do to waste more time.
1. I'm left-handed
2. I told my dog I was pregnant before I told anyone else (in 2006)
3. I bruise easily (both physically and emotionally)
4. I wish I lived close to a coffee shop that's open during the evenings
5. I miss some people I used to be close to
6. I love tater-tot hotdish and sushi, but not at the same time
7. I don't trust any doctor who says "It won't happen again" just after saying "I don't know why it happened"
8. I got my tattoo with one of my Facebook friends
9. I've owned a white Ford Tempo, black Chevy pickup, a red Chevy convertible, blue Kia, and green Blazer
10. I was a thumbsucker and carried a blankie, just like my daughter does now. It makes me so happy.
11. I think storms are awesome, love weather!!
12. I blog
13. I love road trips with my husband
14. I ride a hot pink and black cruiser during the summer
15. I pretended to speak in tongues as a child...so I would fit in
16. I once put a handful of sunflower seeds in my mouth, then quickly realized they were covered in tiny ants!!
17. I hate TV stations that play the commercials twice as loud as the show I'm watching
18. I walked in my sleep & had night-terrors
19. I'm a morning person
20. I shop MN real estate on a regular basis
21. I pray a lot, but very rarely go to church
22. I'd love more house guests
23. I'd love a vacation with my husband
24. I love my crock pot
25. I'm having trouble finding friends willing to jump on my "Let's move to Minnesota" bandwagon
There it is.
It's the latest thing to do to waste more time.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What would make you want to?
I was standing there, watching them.
Thinking...
These people
have a lot of passion.
And they're completely
INSANE.
It makes for great entertainment.
I've been a slacker. Sorry.
Bug is getting smarter every day.
She is learning shapes, which is
stunning to me.
She's trying to count to twenty.
And the singing...between her own
rendition of the ABC's song and a
post Christmas call-out to Santa
with "Jingle Bells" a few times
each day, it's the
voice of an angel in my ears.
She sleeps easily and peacefully.
She eats stubbornly and sparingly.
She laughs frequently, loves openly.
The other thoughts in my head,
I don't key them in.
The thoughts are mostly questions.
The thoughts are my biggest fears.
The thoughts make me so uneasy.
I'm not writing them here.
Maybe someday.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Sea Turtle
Hi Bug, I wanted to tell you this before it has a chance to become one of those memories that we have trouble remembering as the years pass by.
The photo above shows you holding up a Christmas ornament, a "santa sea turtle". This ornament that you're holding is one that we purchased on the island of Kauai in Hawaii.
You were in my belly.
I sat on the beach watching the ocean, feeling so lucky to be in such a beautiful place. It was Thanksgiving, 2007. I had so much to be thankful for. I didn't know anything about you yet, only that you would be loved and that we were very blessed. I sat on the chair with my feet digging into the sand, feeling so calm, so peaceful, listening to the waves and the laughter in the distance. And then,
Butterflies.
You moved in my belly.
It felt just like butterflies were fluttering their wings, again and again.
You picked the perfect time and perfect place.
I thought I had felt you move once before, but this time you made sure I knew it was you.
Now, in December of 2008 you present us with the sea turtle for our tree and you present me with a memory of you, before I knew you. Thank you Bug. I love you.
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