Goodbye 2008

I was good for awhile.
But, I can say that about quite
a few things in my life.

I often sit at the keyboard with nothing
to say.
My plan was is to keep myself a little diary.
My problem is that I don't know
what I want to say to myself.
Maybe I don't want to hear it??

I'm spending way too much time
thinking,
stewing,
panicking?,
about change.
(This has nothing to do with you, Obama, get over it.)

I've done a lot of changing.
I love mixing it up.
I keep wanting more of the same.
Huh?

Rarely content.

I'm content in love.
And I love my family,
my whole family.
Everyone up and down the line.
But I think that's it.

I'll trade everything else.
Sorry.
I do care.
I do cherish this and that.
But so be it, if it's gotta be.
I'll survive.

But my family,
they're not on the table.

I must be very lucky
to love like this.

But I drive myself half-crazy most days
thinking about the
what was,
what is,
and
what's just around the corner.

I re-read and realized just now that I'm way off topic.
I never went where I was going.
I thought seriously about changing the beginning.
But then I changed my mind.

I'll admit it...

Today
I love winter.
I love this snow falling.
I love the Christmas music that
seems to sing directly to the snow
begging for more.
Fall
Fall
Fall

I feel like I'm wrapped up
in a big white blanket.

Me, Really?

My first award.
Honest Scrap.
I do enjoy saying it fast.
I'm told that this award is given for
telling it like it is.
I'm also invited/required(?) to
post ten honest things about
myself. Then it's up to me to pass it on to
seven more bloggers who I believe
tell it like it is.


Thank you "Jacqui"!
I'm honored!


10. I'm highly irritated when I see people write "your" where they should have written "you're".
9. I believe there is more than one path to God.

8. I have terrible knees.

7. I would move away from here in a heartbeat to be near my family.

6. I have a terrible feeling I'll be diagnosed with cancer.

5. I too, have an addiction to the internet.

4. I love rock climbing and wish I could lead a 5.10 route.

3. I have never smoked pot, but I really don't mind if you do.

2. I am left handed, unless there are scissors in my hand.

1. I believe in ghosts.

Bonus honesty...I'm glad you read this.

I'll have to edit and add seven bloggers
at a later date. My blog circle is quite
small right now.

Thanks again Jacqui!

Missing: T

I have been MIA for awhile.

This matters to almost noone else.

I'm very ok with that.

I'm only kicking myself because this is

where I store most of my memory.

"Ya" know?

I traveled to the great state of my

creation (as far as I know),

Minnesota.

My daughter seems to have inherited my

wanderlust. Sweet. We traveled by car for three weeks,

and she shed less tears in the car than her mother.

Wherever I set up the pack-and-play, she passed out.

She met new people almost every day and never failed

in showing her new friends warmth and kindness.

At just a year and a half, I am amazed by her openness

in every new environment she's

thrown into. I love this about you Bug.

Moments from three wonderful weeks

traveling to the land of 10,000 skatings rinks:

Nebraska at night is a good way to see it.
Negative six degrees is not a warm welcome.
Elmo + mountains = carsick
Meat raffles aren't as fun as I'd hoped.
Grandparents are such a blessing.
Good sushi in MN? why yes!
Next time, I'll just buy the pie.
Sun dogs make my heart flutter.
MN Zoo - not as big as it was when I was small.
Michelob Golden Light
Pond Hockey
Trader Joes, buy the Chuck
The town that drank too much, still does.
Bug will not be allowed to date hockey players.
Sister, Sister-in-law :-)
"Spin for the meat"...must be yelled with gusto.
"I think I threw my back out!" shit.
Everyone is so nice here.
Leaving family behind makes me cry.
Watching snow blow across the highway is a trip.
Again with that Elmo, mountains, vomit thing. Gross.
Unpack the car with some relief, but...

If home is where the heart is...am I lost?

Monday night prayer

God,

The drive home tomorrow
is making my heart race.

This isn't the best weather
for transporting precious cargo.

Please give me a window
of stillness,
maybe sunshine?
or armour

But not the invisibility cloak-
I don't want to hear
"I didn't even see you."

If I leave Tuesday morning,
I should be home by Noon
on Wednesday.

Safe travels please -
for everyone.

Amen.

Twelve

I was sitting in the basement of my childhood home,

on a folding chair, leaning over the large

woodbox. I thought the woodbox made the perfect desk.

The fire in the woodstove to my left, crackling,

keeping me warm. I must have been inspired.

I was twelve years old when I wrote my first poem.

"What Is Time?"

Time is a clock that never stops.

For some, time is fast, they never even rest.

For some, time is slow, which is always a bore.

For me, time is an adventure.

It's a time to live.

It's a time to be happy.

It's a time to explore places where I've never gone before.

To me, time makes my life more to live for.

Because it won't stop for me.

It won't stop for you.

It won't stop for anyone.

So never waste time because time needs you.

It needs you to fill the minutes with life.

That's why time is what it is.

It's a silly little poem, but I love it just the same.

I love it because it was simply how I was feeling.

- In that moment, at the fabulously hopeful age of twelve.

Unrevised, unchanged, I still think it rocks.

My God-daughter just turned twelve.

I've been thinking of her quite often.

Does she share the same hope and

excitement for her future?

She's amazing, smart and beautiful.

I hope she knows.

A moment for me

Some days you're just holding on for dear life - trying to keep

the tears from falling, for no apparant reason.

Then...

Dad came home from work and

promptly snuck back out the door to run some errands.

He returned early enough to let me

sneak out the door myself.

Our cute lil Bug was none the wiser.

I haven't had much time to myself lately.

Hmmmm. How could I make the best of this time

all alone returning a movie at the grocery store?

Wander the aisles in search of a great deal, that's how!

A lazy ten minutes later I'm walking to my car carrying

broccoli, Quorn nuggets, Puffs (with lotion), and a

roll of paper towels. I'm such a wild chic.

Through the green lit stoplight I drive, making a last second

(yet carefully maneuvered)

right turn

to the liquor store.

Inside, I find my favorite bottles

of cheap red wine. Although I have

heard from various educated sources that

"the bigger the bottle, the better the wine",

I stick to the basic, classic bottle for two.

I buy three bottles.

Insatiable...

Vampire...

and... I just can't recall.

Now I'm back on Main.

Here's the stop sign at 8th.

I almost turn left, just two blocks from home...

Instead I break away, drive straight - a few blocks downtown,

seeing the people walking, some stores open,

some restaurants closed. It's off-season.

(I didn't know what that meant until I moved here.)

To my left is our kick-ass, one screen, small town movie theater.

Every town should have one. - or maybe not?

It's 7:31 pm. People are still buying tickets outside.

I lock the door, jump out mid-dial. Dad needs to

answer because Mom needs a break. As I hand the money over

he answers the phone.

I have enough cash for the ticket, popcorn and small drink.

Total is $10.00...I have exactly twenty cents left over.

I sit down in the perfect seat, noone blocking my view.

Away I go, it's not my life for a couple of hours.

I'm transported into the past, into someone

else's drama. I need this. I've been craving this.

It's so simple. But, it's so rare.

Two hours later I'm walking out of this

cool little theater and onto the bricked sidewalks.

Into crisp air that's kissing my cheeks.

I'm a bit disoriented, my bearings are momentarily lost.

I'm still in that other world.
A world that, before my daughter and husband,

would have included me seriously considering an escape.

Starting over.

Now I will drive home and "hope"fully share

my brief reprieve with the father of my daughter.

I hope he'll be happy that I got to break out of

routine. It's the small adventures now.

Will I be content?

November 5th, 2008

Spying the fresh white
through glass, it's evident I'm
surrounded by flakes.


I thank God that this election is over.

A deep, dark, sickeningly sweet secret, - revealed.

I want to eat ALL of the Halloween candy.

There, I said it.

I love candy. I love sugar.

When I was a child,

I committed some awfully

terrible sugar sins.

The pure cane sugar,

the powdered sugar,

the brown sugar,

the boxed jello,

I ate it straight.

All of it.

Can you even imagine?

I poured it into

sandwich bags and

cut a small hole in the corners.

Maybe I dropped a little water

into the bag to solidify it some, but

I squeezed it into my mouth,

frosting style.

Disgusting.

A school fundraiser?

Bad idea. I was more likely to

eat the candy than sell it.

No self control

Nada

None

If you think you have a

sweet tooth, you've got

nothing on me.