huh?

I love the "What did you say?" moments
with a two (almost three) year-old.
Yesterday, I was in the backyard cleaning a vile area of snow, dog urine/poop.
Bug is standing in the back door managing my work.
(She has excellent pronunciation skills, so we rarely misunderstand her.)
She yells to me: "MOM! ARE YOU SUCKLING THE POOP?"
Now, obviously one would think I didn't hear her correctly.
So I ask.
She happily obliges me by asking her question again.
"ARE YOU SUCKLING THAT DOG POOP?"
I'm intrigued, grossed out, and wondering why she thinks people suckle poop.
After the third time that she repeats herself at my request, the lightbulb goes on.
She is pronouncing correctly, she's just used the wrong word.
"No Bug, I'm not suckling dog poop, I'm SHOVELING it!"

This morning I get an unrelated statement from her, repeated again and again on my behalf.
"Mom, When the airplane goes bounce, bounce, bounce up in the sky, it doesn't crap out everywhere. Did you know that?"
...........I'm still flummoxed.

dragging myself through

My tear storage is almost too full again.
It's so frustratingly common lately.
The eyes begin to well up multiple times
each and every day. Most times I have
enough tenacity to shove those tears back
in and force myself forward to the next
exhausting moment in the day. But sometimes
the battle is lost. I read something mild that struck
me as heartbreaking or I read something heartbreaking
that brought me to what I can only describe as a violent
rage within my usually peaceful soul. This crying, these
emotions, they feel so useless.
A dirty pot in the sink, I feel about as lovable as that.
Only a fraction of this shows. I weep within.
My patience is wearing thin. My self-motivation has vanished.
Everything in this house suffers except my beautiful daughter.
But even she is stung by the shortness in my voice and I am sad again.
I know it is difficult to be married to me.
I am a selfish and wasted soul these days.
My heart is waiting for me to warm it. But I don't know how.
I just want to sleep.
Where is the laid back girl I was, not so long ago? When will
I see her smiling face again?

The last time around, I didn't feel this way.

ugh. I don't like it.

The posts that didn't get posted

I am deleting the posts that I never did release.
Here's a line from each one,
so as not to be completely forgotten.

"Not quite depressing
but a slight sense of doom."

"Shoes are swinging,
hanging there.
Outside my window,
attracting my stare"

"I need to stop focusing on the corners."

"An engagement ring returned
four hours later, at a table inside
Al's Oasis."

"I'm worth a dozen dimes."

"...taps my shoulder now and then."

"Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
I can do better than this."

"I'd been told by my priest
that I'd been brainwashed and
I'd go to hell after coming to
school a born-again christian
in the 6th grade."

"You inspire me."

something old, but new

I think maybe I just like reading your name.
When I close my eyes mine is the same.
It's not what I expected, just a bit of what's lost.
Reliving a memory gives my sanity pause.

It flowed so easy to say it aloud.
I thought it was mine, not my mind in a cloud.

No other will fit me, such a melodic end.
All others fall flat and at most echo friend.

A peach of a day

A stroll through a peach orchard

just after peach season had ended.

All peaches have been sold

or had fallen to the ground.

(see sniffing dog)

All except one.

(See Dad)

Making for one happy Bug.

(see below)

Bug's sunset story

Silly you
little one
Sitting under
setting sun

Goodnight, you say
as it falls
below the trees
the dusk, it draws

See you in the morning
but between now and then
a whole different world awakens
to begin their day again

The owl watches over
from its perch so high
Groggy bear stumbles forward
to an apple tree nearby

Little mice, they scramble
coming out to play
Raccoon marches forward
its family starts their day

As you sleep soundly under
twinkling stars and wandering moon
The animals you see in pictures
eat their lunch outside your room

With bellies full and sleepy eyes
it's time they said goodnight
as they are falling fast asleep
You awake to morning's light

hmmm

I could be ill
I may fall out
this giant weight
pushing me down


I've looked above
tried to push through
I glance some light
just past you


A lake frozen over
in one sunless day
I forgot to stop swimming
and under I stay

Jana

I sit here
waiting
patiently.
She's more than waiting now.
Her body, made for this.
Her mind, prepared for this.
Her man, a lesson in helpful,
but feeling helpless.

Support surrounds her.
She is capable.
Love energizes her.
She is strong.
Pain pushes her.
She is driven.

It seems neverending
but it won't be long.

skin

Staring at the skin

on the backs of my hands.

Thinned.

Blotched.

Creased.

Scarred.

Wrinkled.

Remembering
the tautness of skin,

the brightness of youth.

Never once thinking

that I'd arrive here so soon.

It's not quite depressing

just a slight sense of doom.