Holy Guacamole

just another night

2010-07-17T10:44:00.003-06:00

Street quiet.
Night. Nothing stirs.
Listening...
Dog collar jingles.
Baby rests peacefully
at my side.

I'm restless.
I'm sleepy.
I'm waiting,
for either to claim me.

Dog scratches.
Outside,
Sprinkler bubbles,
Sprinkler sprays.

Restless? Sleepy?
But it's the
vanilla ice cream
that wins.
-with peanuts, bananas and chocolate sauce.

Soon

2010-06-23T14:34:00.002-06:00

A belly sways.
Bouyant.
Round.
Then suddenly,
asymmetrical.

You don't have a calendar.
You don't know that you're late.
I'm ok with that.
I'm happy and content,
as long as you're healthy.

I laugh a lot,
smile often.
Enjoying these last moments
of the miracle that is felt
only by women who carry a child.
In this moment,
only by this mother, carrying you.

I'll see you this weekend, at the latest.

I love you little one.

waiting...

2010-06-17T21:18:00.002-06:00

You don't seem very comfortable these days.
You spend a lot of time swinging your limbs and bottom in a frustrating motion.
It can't be all too comfortable.
It doesn't look comfortable from my point of view.
I have an idea....
Come out.

It won't be the easiest day for either one of us.
But, to your advantage, you won't remember.

I am ready to meet you,
to let the world greet you.
Wrapped up in my arms,
you will know how much I love you.

Your Daddy is here, your sister is here.
Even your dog is here.
We can't wait, little one.
Come out and let us adore you.

three

2010-04-17T21:28:00.003-06:00

You roll
and you wiggle
You press
and you stretch
It's magic
and it's wonder
Leaves me feeling
quite blessed.

A quiet Sunday morning
she finds the sunny spot on the floor
to warm up after the bath tub
and she speaks of the day before.

time smiles.
time laughs.
time reveals the
unknown
as minutes slowly pass.
most days you are
fortunate.
your guesses, turn out right.
But I get that sinking feeling,
sometimes late at night.

What is going on around here?

2010-03-10T08:40:00.007-07:00

If the scare with my husband wasn't enough,
I survived another massive adrenaline jolt
about a week later.

March 8, 2010
Uncle Joey was due to arrive in an hour or so,
so the man of the house ran out for beer and groceries.

Bug and I were sitting at the kitchen table doing who knows what.
Was it play-dough, markers, or stamps?
It doesn't matter now, but it's amazing how quickly
some things become insignificant.

Our sweet yellow lab was vegging out on the living room floor.
Asleep or awake, I don't know. All was quiet.

Dog was up like a shot.
So fast, she bolted across the room.
It was as if some force threw her.
Her front legs not keeping up with the back.
She crashes snout first into the corner
between the fish tank and wall.
A two inch gap, at the most.

Her legs digging into the carpet with a frenzy,
her head driven over and over into that small corner in the wall.
I fly off my chair.
Bug screams.

For a moment I hope (mouse).

The closer I get the more I realize.
She's out of her mind.
She's convulsing,
still throwing herself.
Paws, claws, digging furiously.
Head still being rammed over and over at the wall.
She's still running herself into that small, small space.

I pull her back and she's gone again.
Into a child's tent wall, into the couch.
Legs moving in a frenzied uncontrolled run.

Bug screams. Bug cries.
"My dog! My dog! My dog!"

Our dog's eyes, they're bulging.
The awareness is gone.
Her mouth, panting.
Her voice, a deep gutteral whine.
Still out of control.
Across the room again, she throws her body against another couch.
Will this stop?
Legs stiff, legs shaking, legs don't let her lie down.

I pull her to the floor, but I can't hold her down.
She flies backwards into the plants, the wall, the couch.
There's no anger in her face.
I see fear, or maybe it is a reflection of mine.

Minutes are passing.
Bug is still screaming.

Her strength is waning while I corner her.
Her heart is racing.
I hold her face in my hands,
barely inches away.
"I love you, I love you, I'm right here and I love you.
You're ok, you're ok, come back, I love you."
Over and over.
I can't think of anything else to say.
These tears, I'm fighting.
She seems almost possessed.
Still whining and restless.
Blood near her eye, near her nose.

I grab two phones.
Call the neighbors, the husband.
I have talked Bug up, onto the couch.
Bug is still crying, sobbing.
I try to reassure her while I'm not sure.
My voice is shaking.
My heart is racing.

Husband rushes in.
Drops down by my side.
Dog is coming around,
her heart still racing, her body still shaking.
with such a scared look in her eyes.
Neighbors burst in. They love her too.
I'm holding the tears, at least trying hard to.

I thought I was losing her.
We don't know what it was.
The vet's are lost too.
Could have been a seizure,
but they don't have a clue.

In a fraction of a second

2010-03-09T14:03:00.004-07:00

To write it down,
or forget the details.
This is between you and me.
Let's keep it that way.

February 27, 2010.
A Saturday evening at the kitchen table.
Dinner on our plates.
The three of us say our prayer.
We take a few bites.
A few laughs, light moments to share.
Bug needs to go potty.
"I don't need any help."
Off she runs, to get the job done.
I sit across from him, wondering what to say.
We're not feeling as romantic as we used to, these days.
He lifts his glass, full of ice cold beer-
and he says to me, "Cheers".
My wine glass full of soda
meets his glass with a clink.
I tip back the glass, take a drank.
Before I can bring the glass back down,
A splash of beer to my face, beer all around.
Up I look, in time to see my husbands face drop
to the table, to the plate, with such a loud crack.
My heart jumps from my chest, leaps out of my throat.

Leaping from my chair, pulling him up,
holding his chin in my palm, the other hand tapping his chest,
yelling his name.
(My heart is pleading, come back!)
In such a small moment, how life, it can change.

He slowly comes back, shakey but there.
Life back in his eyes, more than
a blank stare.
He wants towels to clean up.
There's a bruise on his head.
For a fraction of a moment,
well we just can't go there.
What would we have done?
I'd have fallen apart.
Such a startling scare,
nearly broke my heart.

Nothing like this
ever happened before.
He said "no big deal",
and told me to relax.
I thought I would collapse!

Around the corner,
comes Bug with her smile.
I'm still petrified, had to walk
away for awhile.

What took her away at just the right time?
We cleaned up the mess.
I broke down and I cryed.

huh?

2010-03-05T13:56:00.003-07:00

I love the "What did you say?" moments
with a two (almost three) year-old.
Yesterday, I was in the backyard cleaning a vile area of snow, dog urine/poop.
Bug is standing in the back door managing my work.
(She has excellent pronunciation skills, so we rarely misunderstand her.)
She yells to me: "MOM! ARE YOU SUCKLING THE POOP?"
Now, obviously one would think I didn't hear her correctly.
So I ask.
She happily obliges me by asking her question again.
"ARE YOU SUCKLING THAT DOG POOP?"
I'm intrigued, grossed out, and wondering why she thinks people suckle poop.
After the third time that she repeats herself at my request, the lightbulb goes on.
She is pronouncing correctly, she's just used the wrong word.
"No Bug, I'm not suckling dog poop, I'm SHOVELING it!"

This morning I get an unrelated statement from her, repeated again and again on my behalf.
"Mom, When the airplane goes bounce, bounce, bounce up in the sky, it doesn't crap out everywhere. Did you know that?"
...........I'm still flummoxed.

dragging myself through

2009-11-17T15:39:00.003-07:00

My tear storage is almost too full again.
It's so frustratingly common lately.
The eyes begin to well up multiple times
each and every day. Most times I have
enough tenacity to shove those tears back
in and force myself forward to the next
exhausting moment in the day. But sometimes
the battle is lost. I read something mild that struck
me as heartbreaking or I read something heartbreaking
that brought me to what I can only describe as a violent
rage within my usually peaceful soul. This crying, these
emotions, they feel so useless.
A dirty pot in the sink, I feel about as lovable as that.
Only a fraction of this shows. I weep within.
My patience is wearing thin. My self-motivation has vanished.
Everything in this house suffers except my beautiful daughter.
But even she is stung by the shortness in my voice and I am sad again.
I know it is difficult to be married to me.
I am a selfish and wasted soul these days.
My heart is waiting for me to warm it. But I don't know how.
I just want to sleep.
Where is the laid back girl I was, not so long ago? When will
I see her smiling face again?

The last time around, I didn't feel this way.

ugh. I don't like it.

The posts that didn't get posted

2009-10-26T15:18:00.002-06:00

I am deleting the posts that I never did release.
Here's a line from each one,
so as not to be completely forgotten.

"Not quite depressing
but a slight sense of doom."

"Shoes are swinging,
hanging there.
Outside my window,
attracting my stare"

"I need to stop focusing on the corners."

"An engagement ring returned
four hours later, at a table inside
Al's Oasis."

"I'm worth a dozen dimes."

"...taps my shoulder now and then."

"Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
I can do better than this."

"I'd been told by my priest
that I'd been brainwashed and
I'd go to hell after coming to
school a born-again christian
in the 6th grade."

"You inspire me."

something old, but new

2009-10-17T08:45:00.005-06:00

I think maybe I just like reading your name.
When I close my eyes mine is the same.
It's not what I expected, just a bit of what's lost.
Reliving a memory gives my sanity pause.

It flowed so easy to say it aloud.
I thought it was mine, not my mind in a cloud.

No other will fit me, such a melodic end.
All others fall flat and at most echo friend.

A peach of a day

2009-10-15T19:05:00.005-06:00

A stroll through a peach orchard

just after peach season had ended.

All peaches have been sold

or had fallen to the ground.

(see sniffing dog)

All except one.

(See Dad)

Making for one happy Bug.

(see below)

Bug's sunset story

2009-09-22T12:09:00.005-06:00

Silly you
little one
Sitting under
setting sun

Goodnight, you say
as it falls
below the trees
the dusk, it draws

See you in the morning
but between now and then
a whole different world awakens
to begin their day again

The owl watches over
from its perch so high
Groggy bear stumbles forward
to an apple tree nearby

Little mice, they scramble
coming out to play
Raccoon marches forward
its family starts their day

As you sleep soundly under
twinkling stars and wandering moon
The animals you see in pictures
eat their lunch outside your room

With bellies full and sleepy eyes
it's time they said goodnight
as they are falling fast asleep
You awake to morning's light

hmmm

2009-09-17T17:03:00.004-06:00

I could be ill
I may fall out
this giant weight
pushing me down

I've looked above
tried to push through
I glance some light
just past you

A lake frozen over
in one sunless day
I forgot to stop swimming
and under I stay

Jana

2009-09-14T14:58:00.002-06:00

I sit here
waiting
~~patiently~~.
She's more than waiting now.
Her body, made for this.
Her mind, prepared for this.
Her man, a lesson in helpful,
but feeling helpless.

Support surrounds her.
She is capable.
Love energizes her.
She is strong.
Pain pushes her.
She is driven.

It seems neverending
but it won't be long.

skin

2009-08-28T21:35:00.002-06:00

Staring at the skin

on the backs of my hands.

Thinned.

Blotched.

Creased.

Scarred.

Wrinkled.

Remembering
the tautness of skin,

the brightness of youth.

Never once thinking

that I'd arrive here so soon.

It's not quite depressing

just a slight sense of doom.

random, once again.

2009-07-20T21:30:00.002-06:00

I wish it would come back to me.
the thought
the storm
your memory
I wish it hadn't gone away.
the dream
the face
like yesterday
Fading like a photo
left out in the sun
The outline traced with
colored chalk
It waits for rain to come.
Breathing in so deeply
standing before -
in awe.
Saying everything but
the right words.
A massive giant flaw.

....No review, no punctuation, not even sure what it's about. I'll read it again after posting and feel slightly embarrased.
---------------

Listening to the gravel
crunching on the tar
my footsteps breaking silence
as I stare up to where you are.

Tonight the stars are millions
they flicker in the sky
The tears start falling, cooling
the skin under my eyes.

t.b.c....
(started typing another, but couldn't get it out right with a phone conversation nearby. This one was from camping this weekend. The stars - so many, many stars. I was overcome.)

just a little thing

2009-06-10T09:44:00.003-06:00

Catching a memory from this morning.

Bug walks up to Mom-

"Mom, can you read this book to me please? Because I can't read."

"You can't read?"

"No Mom, cause me just two. I'm just this little person who can't read."

She can't read, but she's smart as a whip.

1984

2009-06-02T21:15:00.002-06:00

I wanted to post something tonight.
I don't have a lot to tell you.
But,
I did receive an message from
a girl who used to torment me
when I was in middle school.
It was 1984,
4th grade.
I wanted to kill myself.
I was born in 1973
and I wanted to drown
myself in 1984.
Noone would speak to me at school,
my small catholic school.
To be in her club, they had to ignore me.
She was the rich girl.
I was the one she chose.
I have nothing against her today.
But, I do remember it all so well.
The words were cruel.
The looks were venom.
The silence was the worst of all.
I was so lonely.

Today, I am 35.
Today, I am fine.
I forgave her in my heart
a long, long time ago.
Today,
I remember.

I received an email
from this woman.
She apologized
to me.

It made tears fall
down my cheeks
to my shirt.

It filled a hole
in my heart
I didn't know I had.

Looking back, I'm glad I came in third.

2009-05-26T14:33:00.004-06:00

When I was in junior high school
my father shared a little secret with me.
I remember being shocked by it at the time.

I think we were talking about the
commitments we make in life.
Discussing, as it was, the hierarchy of love.

He told me that in his life,
God came first.
His marriage came in second
and his kids were in third place.

Those were the three most important
things in his life.
But no,
we weren't all equal.

God, first
Wife, second
Children, third

I remember thinking
about the Dad I adored
and loved so much.
He put me down there
in third place!

I know that
our family unit stayed
strong and intact because
his relationship
with his wife
was always
more important
to him
than his relationship with us.
If he had never told me,
I would have never known.
I couldn't feel more loved.

God
Marriage
Children
In our family, thankfully,
there was no other way.

White

2009-05-12T13:06:00.004-06:00

Shhhhhhhhhh!

Quiet please -

I'm listening to the wind.

A photo of blossoms

flowering in the tree.

Some kind of snow

warming on branches.

The fragrant air gives

the truth away.

But how long will

these flowers stay?

Wind!

You're coming back again!

Scattering the beauty.

Petals, like snowflakes,

fly through the air.

Wind!

I wish you'd stay away awhile

But obviously

you don't care.

A flash of today

2009-03-30T22:01:00.003-06:00

Making a promise to write more often?
Why didn't someone tell me that
this is almost impossible?

Sorry.

Bug, You're growing so very fast.
You'll be two in less than a month
and the potty training is going fairly well.
Today, you
"pooped in the potty, just like Daddy" - your
words, not mine.
Is that the ultimate compliment?
I'll ask you when you're older.
Twelve years from now, we could be begging
for a compliment of that caliber.

You're speaking in lengthy sentances these days.
You're also improving your negotiating skills.
You never fought bedtime before.
Now, it's ...read a book Mom?
...Wheels on the Bus Mom?
...Bitsy Spider Mom?
...look at pictures Mom?
...snuggle Mom?
...sleep on Mommy's pillow?

As always,
I'll miss you while you're sleeping Bug, we'll sing songs again tomorrow.

Spring Snowstorm 2009

2009-03-26T21:35:00.004-06:00

Eyelids, fingers, toes
motionless in naked pose.
Fighting off the urge to shiver,
Crying out at old man winter.

Snowflakes gently fall.
Melting, cleansing, cooling my
skin. Waiting impatiently
for Spring to begin.

Put some clothes on,
Dare I say!
It won't get warmer
by undressing this way!

Part two

2009-02-26T16:26:00.002-07:00

So, I've been doing
some investigating.

This health insurance
problem in our country
is just awful.

I do have health insurance.

Our government
will pay for an illegal
immigrant's prenatal care
and delivery and will also happily pay
for the birth of a baby whose
family is on welfare.

I've been speaking to insurance
providers and our local health care
providers in clinics and at the hospital.

Without maternity coverage on my health plan,
and if I have a perfect pregnancy & delivery,
my "prenatal" care will be a minimum of
$2,500.00 plus the cost of blood work, ultrasounds
and any other routine tests.
If I pay my bill before I leave the hospital,
after receiving the most basic of care, not including any
drugs or pain relieving medication, I only have to pay
$6,900.00 for the hospital portion.

$2,500.00 +
$6,900.00 =
$9,400.00 plus the cost of prenatal tests.
That's probably another thousand.
Good Grief.

Now, if I can find insurance with maternity coverage ,..
(I'm 35 and noone wants to
support a woman having a baby at
35 these days.)
I need to purchase an insurance rider at a minimum
of $900.00 a month. Then I need to wait at least three
months before I'm allowed to get pregnant. So, I pay that each month
along with my regular premium in hopes I get pregnant right away.
None of this money goes towards a deductible.
NONE OF IT!

At the point I get pregnant I can look at a my
monthly $1,000.00+ premium that like I said,
doesn't go towards my deductible of $3,000.00, plus
50% of any hospital costs up to my max out of
pocket which is usually $8,000.00 or more!!!
Don't forget that as soon as a baby pops out,
we get to start all over paying for the baby.
Those hospital bills are a couple of
thousand out of pocket at a minimum.
We're talking about an insured birth
estimating a minimum out-of-pocket
cost of $17,000.00
-if there are no complications.

If I showed up and said we don't make any money,
Medicaid would cover and I'd pay
something like $300.00 out of pocket.
If I showed up and said I don't have a SS#,
I'd still pay next to nothing and walk out a free woman.

I don't know what the hell to do.
Children are priceless, but how
can we afford to get one?

What kind of message is
my great country trying
to send to me?

Part One

2009-02-24T16:15:00.005-07:00

I can easily embrace the

simple truth that

children are priceless.

I'd give every penny

but never

my daughter.

She's my everything.

It's not a choice I made.

It's an uncomplicated

truth, a fact.

She's as necessary

as the air I breathe.

I am spoiled in her

genuine love for me.

Each time she wakes

I tell her honestly,

adoringly,

"I missed you while

you were sleeping."

Bug, you're so easy to love.

Sorting

2009-02-21T13:14:00.004-07:00

I've been organizing thousands of photos
from the last 25 years.
It's a good thing I didn't have a
camera for the first ten.

I now know that there is hardly ever a good
reason to order "doubles". I have so many doubles,
it'll be next to impossible to sift through them.

There are now boxes titled "1992 - 2000".
It was the best I could do for those years.
I don't even know how to begin sorting.
Those years were my crazy years.
Crazy fun.

Other boxes titled "112 years", "Cara Ct years", etc...

I also found multiple CD's given to me as gifts
from multiple brides & grooms on their wedding day.
Honestly, does anyone listen to these
homemade CD's full of sappy, corny,
downright vomit-inducing love songs? Individually,
some of these songs are just fine, but put them together
and it's enough to make me... well, I don't know, but it's enough
to make me want to do something unpleasant.

I apologize for offending, and maybe most of the guests are
wild with appreciation. I could be the small minority.
I loved your weddings and I love you.

The truth I was trying to share is just this:
I've never
listened to a
single one.
.
.
.
.
To those of you that gave
me the personalized wedding
pint glasses -
You kick ass.
.
.
.
And to those of you
who gave us nothing,
I like that the best. Your
wedding day is about
you two, not us. I was
just happy to be there
anyway.
I wanted nothing more.

Groundhog's Day

2009-02-02T20:56:00.004-07:00

This is the day I've chosen to make changes.
It's been on my cranium calendar.
I'm trying to channel Phil Connors, in a good way.
I'm going to repeat over and over until I get it right.
1. I'm getting some form of exercise every day.
2. I'm going to be a more loving wife.
3. I'm going to pray more often, and in a way that He'd appreciate.
4. I'm going to write much more often, but you know...

It comes
and it goes,

this desire
to write.

The word "write"
hasn't changed.
I'm actually typing.

But "type"
doesn't inspire,
doesn't beg for more,
doesn't leaving you wishing
I'd "typed" a little more.

Wish me luck, I'm off to fold laundry
while watching the movie that is part
of today's inspiration. :-)

Maybe 1991? Maybe later?

2009-02-02T10:37:00.005-07:00

Another one of my dorky old poems from way back when.
No, it's not about me. It's just made up stuff.
I liked (like) to rhyme and see where it goes.

"I used to care
not today

Across this table
the gap is wide
I hand it back
I stand outside

I wish... I'd yelled
like a mad woman
at the back of your car

You turned around
but strolled on by
Footsteps firm
but knees were shaking
your eyes read apathy
but your soul was quaking

Smile?
Yes!
Of course I did
I'm not as kind
as I was as a kid

The news you wanted
was not what arrived
Done being stepped on
...I... say goodbye"

25 Random Things

2009-01-31T10:53:00.002-07:00

I wrote this list for Crackbook.

1. I'm left-handed
2. I told my dog I was pregnant before I told anyone else (in 2006)
3. I bruise easily (both physically and emotionally)
4. I wish I lived close to a coffee shop that's open during the evenings
5. I miss some people I used to be close to
6. I love tater-tot hotdish and sushi, but not at the same time
7. I don't trust any doctor who says "It won't happen again" just after saying "I don't know why it happened"
8. I got my tattoo with one of my Facebook friends
9. I've owned a white Ford Tempo, black Chevy pickup, a red Chevy convertible, blue Kia, and green Blazer
10. I was a thumbsucker and carried a blankie, just like my daughter does now. It makes me so happy.
11. I think storms are awesome, love weather!!
12. I blog
13. I love road trips with my husband
14. I ride a hot pink and black cruiser during the summer
15. I pretended to speak in tongues as a child...so I would fit in
16. I once put a handful of sunflower seeds in my mouth, then quickly realized they were covered in tiny ants!!
17. I hate TV stations that play the commercials twice as loud as the show I'm watching
18. I walked in my sleep & had night-terrors
19. I'm a morning person
20. I shop MN real estate on a regular basis
21. I pray a lot, but very rarely go to church
22. I'd love more house guests
23. I'd love a vacation with my husband
24. I love my crock pot
25. I'm having trouble finding friends willing to jump on my "Let's move to Minnesota" bandwagon

There it is.
It's the latest thing to do to waste more time.

What would make you want to?

2009-01-27T13:12:00.005-07:00

I was standing there,

watching them.

Thinking...

These people

have a lot of passion.

And they're completely

INSANE.

It makes for great entertainment.

2009-01-27T12:19:00.003-07:00

I've been a slacker. Sorry.

Bug is getting smarter every day.

She is learning shapes, which is

stunning to me.

She's trying to count to twenty.

And the singing...between her own

rendition of the ABC's song and a

post Christmas call-out to Santa

with "Jingle Bells" a few times

each day, it's the

voice of an angel in my ears.

She sleeps easily and peacefully.

She eats stubbornly and sparingly.

She laughs frequently, loves openly.

The other thoughts in my head,

I don't key them in.

The thoughts are mostly questions.

The thoughts are my biggest fears.

The thoughts make me so uneasy.

I'm not writing them here.

Maybe someday.

Sea Turtle

2009-01-02T12:00:00.003-07:00

Hi Bug, I wanted to tell you this before it has a chance to become one of those memories that we have trouble remembering as the years pass by.

The photo above shows you holding up a Christmas ornament, a "santa sea turtle". This ornament that you're holding is one that we purchased on the island of Kauai in Hawaii.

You were in my belly.

I sat on the beach watching the ocean, feeling so lucky to be in such a beautiful place. It was Thanksgiving, 2007. I had so much to be thankful for. I didn't know anything about you yet, only that you would be loved and that we were very blessed. I sat on the chair with my feet digging into the sand, feeling so calm, so peaceful, listening to the waves and the laughter in the distance. And then,

Butterflies.

You moved in my belly.

It felt just like butterflies were fluttering their wings, again and again.

You picked the perfect time and perfect place.

I thought I had felt you move once before, but this time you made sure I knew it was you.

Now, in December of 2008 you present us with the sea turtle for our tree and you present me with a memory of you, before I knew you. Thank you Bug. I love you.

Goodbye 2008

2008-12-31T13:16:00.004-07:00

I was good for awhile.
But, I can say that about quite
a few things in my life.

I often sit at the keyboard with nothing
to say.
My plan ~~was~~ is to keep myself a little diary.
My problem is that I don't know
what I want to say to myself.
Maybe I don't want to hear it??

I'm spending way too much time
thinking,
stewing,
panicking?,
about change.
(This has nothing to do with you, Obama, get over it.)

I've done a lot of changing.
I love mixing it up.
I keep wanting more of the same.
Huh?

Rarely content.

I'm content in love.
And I love my family,
my whole family.
Everyone up and down the line.
But I think that's it.

I'll trade everything else.
Sorry.
I do care.
I do cherish this and that.
But so be it, if it's gotta be.
I'll survive.

But my family,
they're not on the table.

I must be very lucky
to love like this.

But I drive myself half-crazy most days
thinking about the
what was,
what is,
and
what's just around the corner.

I re-read and realized just now that I'm way off topic.
I never went where I was going.
I thought seriously about changing the beginning.
But then I changed my mind.

I'll admit it...

2008-12-22T15:29:00.003-07:00

Today
I love winter.
I love this snow falling.
I love the Christmas music that
seems to sing directly to the snow
begging for more.
Fall
Fall
Fall

I feel like I'm wrapped up
in a big white blanket.

Me, Really?

2008-12-22T12:22:00.007-07:00

My first award.
Honest Scrap.
I do enjoy saying it fast.
I'm told that this award is given for
telling it like it is.
I'm also invited/required(?) to
post ten honest things about
myself. Then it's up to me to pass it on to
seven more bloggers who I believe
tell it like it is.

Thank you "Jacqui"!
I'm honored!

10. I'm highly irritated when I see people write "your" where they should have written "you're".
9. I believe there is more than one path to God.

8. I have terrible knees.

7. I would move away from here in a heartbeat to be near my family.

6. I have a terrible feeling I'll be diagnosed with cancer.

5. I too, have an addiction to the internet.

4. I love rock climbing and wish I could lead a 5.10 route.

3. I have never smoked pot, but I really don't mind if you do.

2. I am left handed, unless there are scissors in my hand.

1. I believe in ghosts.

Bonus honesty...I'm glad you read this.

I'll have to edit and add seven bloggers
at a later date. My blog circle is quite
small right now.

Thanks again Jacqui!

Missing: T

2008-12-19T16:38:00.004-07:00

I have been MIA for awhile.

This matters to almost noone else.

I'm very ok with that.

I'm only kicking myself because this is

where I store most of my memory.

"Ya" know?

I traveled to the great state of my

creation (as far as I know),

Minnesota.

My daughter seems to have inherited my

wanderlust. Sweet. We traveled by car for three weeks,

and she shed less tears in the car than her mother.

Wherever I set up the pack-and-play, she passed out.

She met new people almost every day and never failed

in showing her new friends warmth and kindness.

At just a year and a half, I am amazed by her openness

in every new environment she's

thrown into. I love this about you Bug.

Moments from three wonderful weeks

traveling to the land of 10,000 skatings rinks:

Nebraska at night is a good way to see it.
Negative six degrees is not a warm welcome.
Elmo + mountains = carsick
Meat raffles aren't as fun as I'd hoped.
Grandparents are such a blessing.
Good sushi in MN? why yes!
Next time, I'll just buy the pie.
Sun dogs make my heart flutter.
MN Zoo - not as big as it was when I was small.
Michelob Golden Light
Pond Hockey
Trader Joes, buy the Chuck
The town that drank too much, still does.
Bug will not be allowed to date hockey players.
Sister, Sister-in-law :-)
"Spin for the meat"...must be yelled with gusto.
"I think I threw my back out!" shit.
Everyone is so nice here.
Leaving family behind makes me cry.
Watching snow blow across the highway is a trip.
Again with that Elmo, mountains, vomit thing. Gross.
Unpack the car with some relief, but...

If home is where the heart is...am I lost?

Monday night prayer

2008-12-08T19:23:00.002-07:00

God,

The drive home tomorrow
is making my heart race.

This isn't the best weather
for transporting precious cargo.

Please give me a window
of stillness,
maybe sunshine?
or armour

But not the invisibility cloak-
I don't want to hear
"I didn't even see you."

If I leave Tuesday morning,
I should be home by Noon
on Wednesday.

Safe travels please -
for everyone.

Amen.

Twelve

2008-11-17T12:05:00.006-07:00

I was sitting in the basement of my childhood home,

on a folding chair, leaning over the large

woodbox. I thought the woodbox made the perfect desk.

The fire in the woodstove to my left, crackling,

keeping me warm. I must have been inspired.

I was twelve years old when I wrote my first poem.

"What Is Time?"

Time is a clock that never stops.

For some, time is fast, they never even rest.

For some, time is slow, which is always a bore.

For me, time is an adventure.

It's a time to live.

It's a time to be happy.

It's a time to explore places where I've never gone before.

To me, time makes my life more to live for.

Because it won't stop for me.

It won't stop for you.

It won't stop for anyone.

So never waste time because time needs you.

It needs you to fill the minutes with life.

That's why time is what it is.

It's a silly little poem, but I love it just the same.

I love it because it was simply how I was feeling.

- In that moment, at the fabulously hopeful age of twelve.

Unrevised, unchanged, I still think it rocks.

My God-daughter just turned twelve.

I've been thinking of her quite often.

Does she share the same hope and

excitement for her future?

She's amazing, smart and beautiful.

I hope she knows.

A moment for me

2008-11-11T22:42:00.003-07:00

Some days you're just holding on for dear life - trying to keep

the tears from falling, for no apparant reason.

Then...

Dad came home from work and

promptly snuck back out the door to run some errands.

He returned early enough to let me

sneak out the door myself.

Our cute lil Bug was none the wiser.

I haven't had much time to myself lately.

Hmmmm. How could I make the best of this time

all alone returning a movie at the grocery store?

Wander the aisles in search of a great deal, that's how!

A lazy ten minutes later I'm walking to my car carrying

broccoli, Quorn nuggets, Puffs (with lotion), and a

roll of paper towels. I'm such a wild chic.

Through the green lit stoplight I drive, making a last second

(yet carefully maneuvered)

right turn

to the liquor store.

Inside, I find my favorite bottles

of cheap red wine. Although I have

heard from various educated sources that

"the bigger the bottle, the better the wine",

I stick to the basic, classic bottle for two.

I buy three bottles.

Insatiable...

Vampire...

and... I just can't recall.

Now I'm back on Main.

Here's the stop sign at 8th.

I almost turn left, just two blocks from home...

Instead I break away, drive straight - a few blocks downtown,

seeing the people walking, some stores open,

some restaurants closed. It's off-season.

(I didn't know what that meant until I moved here.)

To my left is our kick-ass, one screen, small town movie theater.

Every town should have one. - or maybe not?

It's 7:31 pm. People are still buying tickets outside.

I lock the door, jump out mid-dial. Dad needs to

answer because Mom needs a break. As I hand the money over

he answers the phone.

I have enough cash for the ticket, popcorn and small drink.

Total is $10.00...I have exactly twenty cents left over.

I sit down in the perfect seat, noone blocking my view.

Away I go, it's not my life for a couple of hours.

I'm transported into the past, into someone

else's drama. I need this. I've been craving this.

It's so simple. But, it's so rare.

Two hours later I'm walking out of this

cool little theater and onto the bricked sidewalks.

Into crisp air that's kissing my cheeks.

I'm a bit disoriented, my bearings are momentarily lost.

I'm still in that other world.
A world that, before my daughter and husband,

would have included me seriously considering an escape.

Starting over.

Now I will drive home and "hope"fully share

my brief reprieve with the father of my daughter.

I hope he'll be happy that I got to break out of

routine. It's the small adventures now.

Will I be content?

November 5th, 2008

2008-11-05T09:56:00.006-07:00

Spying the fresh white
through glass, it's evident I'm
surrounded by flakes.

I thank God that this election is over.

A deep, dark, sickeningly sweet secret, - revealed.

2008-11-01T22:03:00.005-06:00

I want to eat ALL of the Halloween candy.

There, I said it.

I love candy. I love sugar.

When I was a child,

I committed some awfully

terrible sugar sins.

The pure cane sugar,

the powdered sugar,

the brown sugar,

the boxed jello,

I ate it straight.

All of it.

Can you even imagine?

I poured it into

sandwich bags and

cut a small hole in the corners.

Maybe I dropped a little water

into the bag to solidify it some, but

I squeezed it into my mouth,

frosting style.

Disgusting.

A school fundraiser?

Bad idea. I was more likely to

eat the candy than sell it.

No self control

Nada

None

If you think you have a

sweet tooth, you've got

nothing on me.

Quote

2008-10-26T21:27:00.003-06:00

I can't let my previous post sit at the top of the page.

I want to send positive out into the world.

I'm not feeling original tonight;

therefore, I'll leave this:

"I intend to live forever.

So far, so good."

-Steven Wright

Feeling Squashed

2008-10-20T19:57:00.003-06:00

Apart from my funky attitude lately

concerning the changes in the weather,

and changes in the landscape, I'm finding

myself with many a craving.

Today I pulled out the crockpot

and made a delicious butternut squash

soup. It was my first attempt at squash,

but it must be an easy food. The hints

of cinnamon and nutmeg made me

wish (almost) that snow was falling outside

my window.

So, until I make peace with the dropping leaves

and cold mornings, I'll turn to my crockpot for

the contentment I'm struggling to find.

....I just read this again and almost imploded.

I'm

housewife.

I need some new adventures.

and I need them yesterday.

Fifteen Steps

2008-10-09T21:17:00.005-06:00

I walked around the corner.
The baby gate had been left open.
There you were.
Your small left hand was moving
slowly along the wall.
You wobbled just a touch
as your foot reached for the
next step. Your right hand
was gripping your pink
blankie. All the way to the
top you walked, just like a big girl.
You turned around and saw
your amazed audience.
You laughed at us.
We stood there silently,
watching our baby
grow up before our eyes.

I forgot who "I will never forget"

2008-10-09T12:53:00.011-06:00

I have these old journals.
They have traveled from
house to house,
digs to digs,
casa to casa.

I looked over a few of them this morning.
Some of the funniest shit I've ever read.

I started writing in them when
I was 10 years old.

Oh, for the love of puberty.

I wrote of first loves, lost loves,
unrequited loves. I'm sure it
was therapeutic although it reads
quite pathetic.

I wrote of parents who were
so unfair. Of siblings, who were cruel.

I wrote of birthday wishes, of
Christmas gifts, and how my day went
at school.

I have been keeping a journal off
and on for years.
My writing has improved
somewhat since the 1980's.
My punctuation has taken a nose dive.

In the future, I'll be quoting some of my favorite,
and some of my least favorite entries.

the scary part

2008-10-06T07:45:00.005-06:00

This weekend I sat on the floor
in a mountain of baby clothes.
The closet has been more than
overflowing for months now.
I sat sorting tiny socks, onesies
and some of my favorite
little outfits that it seems like
our lil Bug wore just yesterday.
I tried holding them up to my nose,
searching for that new baby smell.
No luck. Everything was clean.

I also sat there in the middle of
all of this and was reminded of
the lack of sleep, the 3 am feedings,
and the inconsolable crying that
sometimes made me melt down.

I thought of the hospital.

My heart started racing at the thought of that
moment - the moment things got really scary.
I'm so thankful that I'm here to
watch you grow lil Bug.

I remember picking you up from your crib in those
first weeks and coming so close to blacking out.
My head would start on fire and everything would get
so dark. I'd hold you over the crib until it passed,
just in case. I'd walk five feet to the rocking
chair and be so exhausted when I sat down,
wondering if I'd ever be strong again.
And Dad, how he must have worried.

Those first months went by so fast.
But those moments in the early days,
they seemed so long.

Thank you for my health.
Thank you for the health
of my family.
Thank you for the love
and the prayers during
those first few weeks.

The Last Meow

2008-10-04T21:44:00.000-06:00

Dead cat
wasn't mine.
On the street
quarter til nine.

I got the call
lookin for digits.
Owner of the cat
needs to know
IT was finished.

The owner is waiting,
still has no clue
that their beloved cat
had been shoved
by my shoe.

I just couldn't imagine
the kids walking by,
seeing that cat
then starting to cry.

So out with a shovel,
a bag and flashlight.
The dead weight of that cat
marked the end of my night.

......Yes, a little odd.
Someone ran over a cat
in our neighborhood tonight.
I just stepped up to the plate because
I'm fearless that way.

Gone again.

2008-10-01T16:49:00.000-06:00

She stands up tall

on the front porch.

Puts two words

together

"Daddy Workin."

"Yes Bug,

Daddy Workin."

What makes her

think of him?

What did she see

that reminded her

of him?

I smile at the thought of it.

Later...

There's a knock

at the front door...

"Dada! Dada!"

"Sorry Bug.

It's not Dada."

I open the door

when her nap has ended.

"Dada! Dada!"

"Hi Bug, it's Mom."

"Dada??"

"Dada's working."

Come home Dada.

We're missing you

too much today.

New York is just

too far away.

Muchas Gracias

2008-09-30T18:18:00.000-06:00

I hit the delete button.
Although I meant
what I said, I couldn't stand
looking at it.

So, what lies beneath
when you feel convicted
to write one thing and then,
just hours later, you're
completely repulsed?

-As I will be, by this, in not too long.

Danger, active dumping

2008-09-28T20:03:00.000-06:00

Slipped on a sweatshirt

and into my sandals.
Strolled downtown at 7 am

Alone on main street

not even a car.

20 minutes pass and

I'm walking again,

wearing a slight coffee induced smile.

I see a few cars pass,
families dressed in their

church day best.

A moment of catholic

guilt,

then it passes. :-)

Saw the best Fall colors in years

today.

White marble

against golden Aspens.

Awesome.

Awe inspiring.

I quietly contemplated my life.

I spent the day with my family.

I spent the day with friends.

I saw God's artwork and together it

was infinitely
more moving

than anything

I will find in a church.

That's my kind of

fellowship.
Well, that and a bottle of wine.

layer by layer

2008-09-26T20:40:00.000-06:00

Autumn breeze whispers

quite coldly into my ear:

snowshoes not sandals

Would you like something to drink?

2008-09-25T11:36:00.000-06:00

The bug knows our vices.
She finishes her morning milk
then walks over to me and
points at my mug "coppee!"
Yep, I love my coffee.
She loves her milk.
I don't drink her milk
and she has yet to want
a taste of my coffee.

But yesterday was hysterical.
(at least to me, it was)
Dad is working on the back yard.
We're trading our grass that is dead
or dying from all of the dog abuse.
We're installing turf. No kidding!
It's great for pets. It drains well,
needs no watering and no mowing.

(I have a point)

The bug walked to the patio door,
looked outside and pointed at the table.

"BEER".

They remember what they see and
what they hear. Wow, do they ever!
I don't drink beer and Dad's hardly been
home lately. But she's not missing a thing.

Milk
Coppee
Beer

All three available here.

Walking for Liz

2008-09-19T07:41:00.000-06:00

I'm so excited!
I found a group of girls who want
to walk with me this Sunday for
a very good reason.

You can find the reason at the following website.
http://www.mattlogelin.com/

I also have to thank Matt for unknowingly
influencing me to keep an online diary.
I've tried the pencil/paper diary but would forget
to write for months.

I spend much more time on the computer and
by reading his blog, realized that I would lose
too many moments of my life by trying to keep
them to memory. I seem to forget what I did the day
before much too often.

So, thank you Matt.

I spent the morning at the park with the Bug.
She gets more coordinated with each visit.
She loved playing with all of her friends.
I loved the fact to I got to be there with her.
Although she'd be fine at a daycare, I am so lucky
to be the one she's with all day. So Daddy, thanks
for working so hard at work so we can do it
this way. I love you.

A day, like most other days.

2008-09-17T22:08:00.000-06:00

Her favorite word is a proud and defiant

"NO"

There's not a ring of anger with it.

She's joyfully

denying involvement;

stating her opinion to a food group;

telling me how much she respects the rules

and my ideas.

Ahhhh, a sixteen month old.

I just can't help but smile.

Also, I let her stay up until 10:15 tonight.

I really don't know how late she'll

stay awake at night. I usually put her down before 9:00.

But I think she'd stay up until midnight if I let her.

She currently loves:

her legos

her potty chair

her dada

her dog

her wagon

her books

her books
and more books.

Thank you for a wonderful day.

Madeline

2008-09-16T13:53:00.000-06:00

Sweet baby
tiny breath
the world is waiting
for your next step.

What new magic
will you choose?
Will you clap
your hands?
Stare at the Moon?
Crawl to a toy
across this small room?

Did you know there
are freckles
set in your eyes?
A gift from your mommy
sent from the skies.

Did you know there's
a twinkle,
a giggle,
a laugh?
She gave them to you
to share with your Dad.

And in the silence
while you sleep
Daddy stares
his sadness lingers.

It does not end
with tears little one
You are his hope
his rising sun.

watch out, me!

2008-09-15T16:12:00.000-06:00

I was a little angry yesterday.
I should clarify myself.

I don't think it's a good idea to smoke around children.
I don't care if it's nicotine, weed, or whatever else you
pull out of your garden.
It's bad for the lungs.
Causes cancer.
Duh.
Enough said.

Bad Parenting 101

2008-09-14T19:53:00.000-06:00

I was so shocked at the park today.

I watched this man, not knowing what to say.

He pushed one of his two kids on the swing.

Then turned away to light a bowl.

Still standing next to the swingset.

Kids playing all around.

He's decided that a park, for children,

is an appropriate place to smoke pot.

Who the hell are you?

A few minutes later he snuck behind a

small boulder to light one up again.

I tried to grab my camera from the

diaper bag in time.

Just as I was going to get the shot...

his kids rounded the corner and he folded

it up in his palm.

(TMZ would never hire me!)

You can see that he has it in his hand though.

What an all american loser.

Do whatever you want to yourself at home.

I'm not here to judge what you do.

I don't care;

But when you do it around children,

it's everyone's business.

Saturday...in the park

2008-09-13T21:20:00.000-06:00

Yesterday it happened.

The clouds finally parted and

there it was.

Snow on Sopris.

Ugh. It's pretty, but...

Anyway,

I spent the day outside today.

The weather was beautiful.

It was perfect for a mom and her

one-year-old to explore the small town

they've lived in for a long time.

We began our adventure by going out for coffee.

Bug in the stroller, ready to roll.

I made sure to clean the make-up off

of the skin under my eyes. I didn't want to

look like the morning slob that I was today.

My teeth and hair brushed, but it was obvious

I need a shower.

Walking in to town, I heard a lot of
cheering!

What the F?

What's going on that I somehow missed?

And more importantly, will the line at

the coffee shop be really long because of it?

I see runners rounding a corner.

Oh, just another moment when I realize

I'm not as active as the majority of

people that live in this state. oh well.

I'm happy and not in bad shape!

I investigate...

The Colorado Relay ends its race here.

Those guys/girls are machines!

We walked the park. I'm notably the only one

pushing a stroller. Lots of booths set up.

Looks like a lot of schwag too. People say hello.

I don't need any schwag. Already too much

junk in my house.

Off to coffee house after a detour at the swings.

Line is not too long for a moment...YEAH ME!!

The girls working the counter look a little haggard.

They have been slammed all morning.

Coffee in hand I head to do a little local shop,

chat it up with friends.

The rest of the day involved dog walking, a visit

and more park time with friends.

And another stop at

the coffee shop, on ice this time, thank you.

My complaint today?

Dad is gone, AGAIN.

In the woods.

Helping our guests find the elk.

He's just never around these days.

Crappy.

So happy to see you...

2008-09-08T12:40:00.000-06:00

100 miles north of the Arctic Circle.

He was the last one to be picked up.

I'm so glad he's home. I had taken the Bug and the dog for a walk this morning and when we got back he was unloading the vehicle in our driveway. Bug says "Dada, Dada" "Up, Up" (she wants out of the back pack.) The dog is shaking her tail with uncontrollable joy and I dived in for a kiss.

We got presents too. I got a maroon sweatshirt with "Alaska" across the front. Bug got a onesie and a stuffed bear. Good job Dad!

His plane left Anchorage at 11:00 pm and landed in Denver at 6:00 am. He called at 7:45 to let me know they had arrived.

Catch up....

Friday afternoon we celebrated the finalizing of the adoption of a very awesome lil guy! You're stuck with all of us now JT!!

Saturday night my friend K.G. came over to drink wine and watch a movie with me.

Sunday evening I took Bug to a restaurant down the street. We had dinner, just the two of us. Crayons for her, glass of wine for me. We walked downtown afterwards and heard the live music. Main Street was closed off for a "Community Appreciation Party" and dance. Dang. Could have had a free meal instead. Bug danced in the stroller, she had a blast while I talked to friends I ran into on the street. It's our last night without Dad. That's good.

Satellite Phone

2008-09-03T23:14:00.000-06:00

The bug, she stayed up late tonight.
I lost track of time, didn't even look.
So, sometime after ten p.m.
The phone started ringing
and guess who was there?
her awesome daddy
out of nowhere!
He got to tell her
he loves her.
She said "Hi Dada!"
grabbing onto the phone.
It was then that
I heard him start to cry
connected to us
by the satellite in the sky.

Restless weather

2008-09-02T21:27:00.000-06:00

The dog ran through

the fields this morning.

Bug was in the back pack.

We walked with friends.

How does Mother Nature know

that yesterday was Labor Day?

I could feel Fall in the air.

I could smell it. Almost taste it.

It's the season I hate to love.

Winter follows.

So hard for me to live in the

"weather" moment.

I'm always dreading, wondering,

anticipating what tomorrow, next week,

next month will bring.

How do I settle in?

Enjoy this day?

She cried for Dada today.

So nice to know she thinks

of him. I'm thinking of him too.

day, day, day

2008-09-01T21:07:00.000-06:00

Quiet day, it was today.

Bath day

Dog day

Hurricane Gustav day

VP Nom. daughter pregnant day

Buy "Applesauce Cake" paint in GWS day

Hang with O, N and JT day

Play day

Thankful for my family day

........oh yeah, and it's Labor Day.

Ain't that lonely yet...

2008-08-31T21:45:00.000-06:00

Day three without Daddy.

Dog needs a walk.

Bug needs a snuggle.

Mom is actually doing

just fine.

She had a three hour break this afternoon.

She sang along with Mr. Dwight Yoakam.

The weather was perfect for an outdoor concert.

Dad just called. He jumps on a plane

for Kotzebue in the wee hours of the morning.

Once there, he gets on a little puddle jumper

that will drop him and the boys off somewhere

in the middle of nowhere.

A couple hundred miles from Russia.

I won't hear from him until Saturday night.

I'm lonely.

Miss you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kotzebue,_Alaska

No Ziggy Marley, No Bob Dylan

2008-08-30T22:38:00.000-06:00

Today we played

in the park.

Then we sold our tickets to the concert.

I'm not as interested in going

with Dad out of town.

When they are so young,

do they miss their daddies?

Do they realize Daddy didn't come home?

The question makes me a little uneasy.

I know that when she sees him,

she'll jump up and scream his name!

...and leave me in the dust, running to him.

But, does she miss him now?

I miss him.

I miss him very, very much.

the last frontier

2008-08-29T12:23:00.000-06:00

This morning he finished packing his bags.

Bug is a little edgy. She feels the change coming.

Dog is all-knowing. Dog knows he's leaving and sits close by.

I'm scared today. I wasn't scared yesterday.

But, I'm scared today. God... keep him safe during his travels.

A big family hug. We cried. Even he cried. He must love us!

Alaska, here he comes. Please send him home safely.

Growing

2008-08-11T16:51:00.000-06:00

She's getting bigger
stronger
smarter
every second.

She goes down for a nap
and wakes with a new skill.

I didn't get her latest silly
skill on video.

Can't wait
for those moments..
have to be
ready to catch them.

Instead of teaching her
that a chicken says
"Cluck"
I chose "Bock Bock".

Who knows why.

So, I also read her the book
"Ten in the Bed".
One of the animals goes
"bonk" onto the floor.

I ask her later what a chicken says....

She smiles proudly and
with her hand...
wacks herself repeatedly
across her head saying
"Bock Bock".

I've taught her to abuse herself.
Nice job Mom.

By the way...
Did you know
that a bunny says
"hop hop"
Well they do.

2008-08-05T16:38:00.000-06:00

I don't smoke.
I don't understand it.
I smoked over ten years ago.
A high school slash college thing.
It makes no rational sense to me.

Let me tell you this though.
When I listen to Eddie Vedder...

I just want to light one up.